500gp for a book of crappy poems? Cinder will make that trade any day.

Cinder also wants to get prices from the thieve's guild on blade poisons and healing potions. What say you Journeyman Vilenda? Aslo, Cinder is a little unhappy with his weapon. Figuring that the guild has to move and fence a ton of shit, he explains to Vilenda that a solid gold magic longsword might attract the wrong kind of attention. Does the guild have a weapon more suitable for me that they might wish to trade for this mighty blade?

Cinder also looks for a cool iron necklace for Mike. He finds a blacksmith in the merchant section and asks for something that combines the symbols of "undeath" and "power." Plus it has to look frikin sweet. He'll commision that, and present it to Zombie Mike when he gets back from special training.

Finally, Cinder takes blind fighting for his nonweapon proficiency since he likes the dark so much.
Ok, the robes and the lute it is.

If it's cool with everyone else, I am going to keep Rupert's Strength Gauntlets for myself then. That will jack me up to an 18 strength. That's +1 to hit +2 to damage. With my new specialization in broadsword, that's +2/+4, going 3/2 rounds. I guess Brogg is really stepping into his own as a Fighter. However, things are going to slow down for him real soon when he tops off at 4th Cleric and still has to split his x.p. in half.

For skillz, I am going to get proficiency Swimming, and proficiency Battle Axe. Battle Axes are kewl. I also will add the +1 hp.

I am going to drop 25gp on some 20 bolts and some booze, and I am going to give Cinder 500gp for that book of poems. I LOVE Carl Ffleudenssen! Cinder, add 500gp to your checking account, alright?

Now, what does Mike have/need? I have got 50gp more to spend on him as he pleases.

Dave, Fist of Odin, maybe you should take care of that Jug holy symbol. Oh, and Dave, Fist of Odin, your THAC0 is now 18.

I am officially good to go.
  Town Time
So, first off, training, Brogg and Dave, your THACO and saves should improve with this level. I think each of you also gets a weapon and a non-weapon prof. Plus, Brogg, 2nd level priest spells. Cinder, 5th level is when backstabby and THACO go up for you.

Special training gives you guys +1 hp and a bonus non-weapon prof.

Dave, the ring is +1 on heals cast by you. So if you Cure Light Brogg, it's +1. If you Cure Light yourself, it's +1. If you drink a healing potion, it ain't +1. Maybe "Big Healing" is a misnomer, but that's what it's called.

Magic plate mail is down with spreading the Fists or Face of Odin, whichever the situation calls for. Vrill, piercers- Fists. Shopkeep to trade stuff- Face.

Cinder, okay, sap bought, and shortbow skills remembered. Maybe it was a side-effect of all those Friends potions, you just didn't want to shoot a guy. Sap is like % chance to stun on backstab or something, ya? Please provide your poor UA-less DM with the sap stats.

Cinder, okay, you can special train with the Blackwalls. Actually, it takes you a couple days to find them in Durth, because the Thieves Quarter turns out to actually be the merchant section, and the Blackwall Thiefs are HQed in College Park, where all the rich mining magnates live. The Guildmaster is Dakon the Black and you never see him. Journeyman Vilenda seems to run the day-to-day stuff. Anyway, for being a guildmember, you get 10% off, so you get 80 gp back. Then there's another 10% discount on goods, so when you buy:
sap, shortbow + 20 arrows in quiver, buckler, leather armor, it costs you 27 gp. So you get a net 53 - 1 gp for the Dragonlance book = 52 gp to add to your sheet.

Special training for you mainly consists of drinking, whoring, and robbing. Incidentally, same goes for you Dave, except you don't so much rob guys as tell them Odin needs their tithes or he'll lightning bolt their homes. Cinder, you get to see the famous Durth Black Wall that the Thiefs take their name from- it's a huge ruined wall of black iron that formed part of the ancient Prison of Chankorr, built atop a mesa south of town.

Dave, you train at the temple of Odin located in Temple Town at the north end of the canyon. It's a bigger lodge than in Greyhelm, but with fewer priests. The main dude is Father Lars, and he's gone a bit senile from years of alcoholism and head injuries. Imagine like a Swedish Mike Tyson with a deep voice and a red drunkard's face. Okay, maybe the Mike Tyson thing is a stretch. Anyway, there's a huge mural painted on the wall of the temple. It's a triptych: panel one is Odin and Thor kicking back on a couch, there's a keg and empties all over the place, and it looks like they're playing some Halo or something and Thor's totally punching Odin in the shoulder for fragging the hell out of him. Panel two is a big ogre or giant or something crashing through the wall and smashing their TV with a giant wooden mallet, laughing evilly. Panel three is Odin grabbing the giant's face and breathing fire on him while Thor smashes his ribcage with Mjolner. It's a pretty good mural, sort of Diego Rivera-esque.

Brogg, you train at the temple of Grisbane. There are many many half-breeds here, like 40. It's a super academic kind of place. Huge marble temple, with lots of half-orc, half-elf, half-whatever priests walking around quoting scripture, reading "Gravity's Rainbow", solving math problems, that kind of stuff. Apparently the Oracle of Gryss is up in the mountains somewhere, no one's been to visit him since, well, since Leuco left to go fuck with you as Contrarian. You don't get to meet Grettin and Shettin until the end of your stay. Read on...

You guys don't know where Mike special trains. Anyway, you all do your thing for about, well, two months. At the end of that time, Mike shows back up, and you do discover that he took 'Tailor' as his NWP. It looks like he did a pretty good job stitching his arm back on, and in addition, he made this crazy hat and gown for Abby the floating head. Now the head floats around hovering over this full length dress that makes it almost look like she's got a body.

But there's really nothing there!

Anyway. And yeah, that mural showed Odin breathing fire. Dave, you never really heard of Odin doing that, but it sounds like the kind of thing he'd be into.

Quest time in next post. In the meantime, you guys want to buy or sell anything? Here's the Blackwall Thiefs appraisal for what I remember you have:
CF Book of Poetry: 500 gp!
White gem: 100 gp
Holy Jug Symbol: 10 gp
Cinder is totally down with selling the robe and especially the lute to help with training.

If you look on his character sheet under 'Favorite Music,' it clearly states "I hate bards," so you see, it's part of his background. We have to sell it, and it would be totally out of character for him to let it stay in the party.

"Brogg, Dave, this thing's gotta go." Cinder's eyes narrow as he draws a terse frown, -it's almost the face he makes when he's about to backstab somebody.
"Don't ask me why I feel this way. It's a part of my past that I don't want to talk about. A part I'll never talk about." He angrily turns his face away, but not before something glints off the corner of one eye. Was that a teardrop? Nah, probably just a trick of light...

He tosses the Ring of Big Healing to Dave and Brogg. "Here, one of you guys wear this."

Once in town, Cinder grabs some leather armor, and eyeing his Player's Handbook, he snatches up an Unearthed Arcana from the general store shelf.
"Let's see...thieves can use...hmm. A sap. What's that do....Holy Shit!"
Cinder plunks down some coin for a sap on the spot.
"And what's this...huh...hmm...awwww Fuck! Shortbow?!"
Cinder thinks back sourly to his shortbow sitting in Vrill's bushes and buys another one. He picks up a buckler while he's at it, cursing Gary.
"That bitch just want's me to spend more copper on these fucking books. What'll I be able to use next, a fucking halberd?"

I rolled a 4 for my hit points. I'll add +2 later if we can special train. I check in with the Blackwall thieves to see if it's cheaper to special train with them. Also Rob, how much will my gear cost me? I pretty much only had the gold longsword, and everything else I just purchased. Cinder is gonna get that white gem appraised, as well as the book of poetry, which he will sell. He also wants to pick up the next book in the Dragonlance series for Greetles. He was planning on doing that for a while, and you know, his death is out of game knowledge.
  Dave, fist of Odin
So, I say we sell the Lute and the Robes - none of us are musicians, and none of us are LG.

Right? Right? None of us are LG. I mean, we killed a little girl, and then animated her head as a zombie. Sure, we took the animated floating little-girl head into our party, and I think we'll all agree as an INTEGRAL part, but still. We're so not LG.

I can't use the longsword, so I don't care. If my ST was bumped up one, I'd start getting bonuses in combat, but if someone else does too I'm not strung out.

Hey - is the Ring of Big Healing +1 to heals on the wearer, or on heals cast by the wearer?

But you know, I got this magic plate mail that Talks To Me In My Head, and what's more is down with my way of doing things. Those things being clobbering, drinking, and spreading the word of Odin's Holy Might. Well, actually, I'm not sure if my magic plate mail friend cares about the last one, but she's cool with the first two and that's enough for me.

What I'm saying is this. If the party thinks I should get one of the items because it would make us, as a party, more effective in attaining our goals, then I will gladly wear one. If someone else wants one, though, I'm fine with that, because my armor LOVES me.

Anyway. When I special train, what kind of benefits does that give me?
  Those Wizards Want That +1 Lute, Big Time
Okay, let's just say you'll trade in Sarah's non-magical but valuable necklace to the wizards of the R'haull'tho'zhaar Tower of Powerful Magycks for identification. Here's the updated rundown:

Gauntlets of +1 ST (Mike, being a zombie thief, has no use of them)
Lute +1
Golden longsword +1, +2 vs. adventurers
Ring of Big Healing (+1 hp on all healing dice rolled for spells)
Robes of Light (AC 5 for LG, burst into flames if not LG)

The rest of the stuff you already know about. The wizards seem a little suspicious that you have all this stuff Of The Jug, but don't really give you too much grief.

Any two of those items will be good enough to cover training and special training for y'all. I'm guessing the robes and the lute, but let me know how ya wanna do it.
Cool, magic gauntlets!

Ok, as much as I would like to keep them for myself, as I guess that they might bestow Ogre Power, I am going to put them on Mike the Zombie. I think that he has earned it. There's a good Zombie... pat, pat. Let's hope we don't get flames this time.

Hey, by the way, how is Mike the Zombie's arm? If it needs some work, I am going to take him to a tailor.

Also, I want to sell Sarah's robe. I am going to try to sell it for a discount, that is, if the Wizards Guild or whatever can Identify it and the rest of our stuff. I'll let Dave, Fist of Odin, do the negotiating however, since he is Mr. Charisma. -Our party's "Face", if you will.
  You've Got Magic!
Good thinking Brogg. Okay, here's the rundown of all stuff that radiates magic. Contains all equipment you guys should have.

Brogg: Rupert's gauntlets
Wand of Deconstruction
Shield +1
Continual light torch
Sarah's robe

Cinder: CF's lute
Sarah's ring
Rupert's gold longsword

Dave: Whorish plate mail of Hyannis, which she'll tell you is +1 plate mail, which is frickin' awesome because it removes the 6" movement suckiness of platemail, plus there's an interesting twist on her initial power. Whenever you're attacked by a new opponent, the armor soaks for you the first 1d(level) damage. Subsequent attacks from that opponent though aren't soaked. The Whore only likes virgins, get it?
Prayer Bead of Double Summons (x2 to all summoning stats)

Mike: Nothing, and you know, Mike's pretty sad about that. Because he feels that he's been an important contributing member of this party, and you know, the whole Vrill murder-zombie thing basically sucked.

Abby: a magic tooth!

So there ya go. Let me know if you think I missed anything, but by my calculations, that should be it. Not bad for a bunch of 3rd level scrubs! Don't let anyone tell you I'm a stingy DM. +1 fucking platemail at 3rd level.

So you guys still need lodging, IDs, and a shitload of cash for training. Any takers?
Alright, check this out. I am going to bust a Detect Magic here in town on us and all of our stuff. I know that Cinder has Sarah's ring and necklace, I have Rupert's Gauntlets. I guess that we held onto Sarah's robe after they set Mike on fire. We also have a symbol of The Jug. Cinder, you have a white gem and some coinage, but it doesn't say it on your character sheet. C'mon if you are going to steal from me, at least write it down.

I am going to pocket the 575gp for the horn and the Philter.

Cinder, you should add 67gp, 37sp, a white gem, a glowing wooden lute, and a book of Carl Ffleudenssen's poetry to your character sheet. Otherwise, I'll hold them for you.

Let's get our shit together, guys.
  You Just Need To Type "Get All"
Okay Brogg, the DMC themselves is offering a bounty on unicorn horns. It's worth 500 gps. You also see a sign offering a reward for the horn of the Unicorn King, Andicorn: 10,000 gp! Apparently unicorns have been somewhat of a nuisance in the mining operations.

The good ol' Potion Guild will pay bluebook value for your love potion, 75 gp. You're still quite a ways from special training.

Dave, if you look back, you'll see a few key posts that describe what you guys have. The only thing I keep track of is hp and xp, guys. If it ain't on your character sheet, you don't have it. Anyway, the Maid of Mead gave you some stuff you probably don't even remember. Bead of Double Summoning? Of course, if you didn't take it, that's your option. Then I made an explicit list of all the crap you got in the weather station. Then Cinder has some stuff from the piercer room. That's it. Hey, if you guys can't afford to level or special train, that's your problem.

Let's take care of inventory and training stats first, then I'll launch into lengthy exposition on Council of Grisbane and anything else you guys want to do in town.
Alright, I have a Golden Unicorn Horn and a Philter of Love to put towards special training. How much does that fetch? I could have sworn that I had some coinage too...

As cool as it was, I had to revert back to my old character sheet. I could only edit it from home and that got to be a pain in the ass.

As for leveling, I am all about the Council of Grisbane. I want to train with my Half-Brothers if possible. I also want to talk to some folk about the Oracle of Gryss. Vrill is still high on my list of things to do, but I really do want to see that Oracle. Are Grettin and Shettin here? If so, I'd love to chat about this whole Contrarian business.

As for my rolls, here they are: Cleric hp:6, Fighter:7! Awesome! Thats 13/2=6.5 or 6, right? Cool. That puts me at 20 without special training. I think I might also pick up another weapon proficiency at 3rd Fighter. I had one extra anyway, and I am putting that in Specialization Broadsword. Hell yeah.

I suggest that we stick together, guys. Also, Brogg keeps a very keen eye out for Half-Troll archers.
  Dave, Fist of Odin
Ummm - so, what do we have?

I haven't updated my character sheet in awhile, but before we left to rescue Cinder, I had Chainmail, shield, mace - and that's it. Now I've got Plate mail, I know that, and if anyone else has cool stuff good for you - what stuff do we have to sell to get the bling?

'Cuz us priests of Odin, we're all about the bling, yo.
  You Down With The Hush Hush And The 411?
Okay Brogg, you pick up a continual light torch and Cure Light thyself. Back to the combat, you miss pretty bad. Your bolt goes into the wall and makes the guard laugh "This'll be easy, Lar." As the guards reload and Mike the zombie takes aim with his 'dead eye', Cinder goes into damage control mode.

You hurridly explain that this isn't their zombie. The guards look confused, tentatively approach and confirm, sure enough, there's no marking on his left leg. That confuses you guys a bit, so the guards explain.

"Hey, I'm Larry Strongbow, DMC. This here's Aballazar the Black Handed. "
"Fuck you Lar. Hey guys, call me Abe. My parents wanted me to me a wizard, hence the name." You wonder how often Abe has had to give that explanation.
"Anyway," continues Larry, "see the DMC has some necromancers down here working the mines. They provide lots of zombie workers for us. That's sort of on the hush hush, so you didn't hear it from me. But weird thing is, is that about a month ago or so, some zombies started to go missing. Just like *poof*, zombie gone. The necros were really fucked up about it. It ain't been so bad for the last week or so, so we lost like 30 zombies, not to piercers or goddamn unicorns, just like God himself needed some zombies."

Abe nods thoughtfully, apparently considering what use God has for 30 zombies. On a WI check, you notice that Mike the zombie is sort of looking all around, whistling quietly, clasping and then unclasping his hands.

"So you guys don't know anything about it, huh? Sorry, I mean, see some guys with a zombie, and we thought- of course, there are the zombie thieves. You can see how it was an honest mistake? Sorry about that crossbow bolt buddy."

Brogg, you think to yourself that, when a guy shoots another guy with a crossbow, it's usually not an honest mistake, but you think that circumstances here are certainly a little unusual.

You guys get directions back to Durth... it's just a few more hours through the tunnels, take a left at YHWH69 and head down the main lighted stretch. Just tell the guards that Lar and Abe said it was cool. Brogg, you ask about the Grisbane oracle, and Lar shrugs, but Abe says:
"Oh yeah, there's all sorts of mystical shit up in the mountains to the north. I've never been up there myself, but if you go to Temple Town in the north part of the canyon, you can ask the Council of Grisbane for the 411."

Okay, so you say thanks and head off to Durth. When you arrive in the main passage, however, you see standing before you not one but two unicorns! These ones don't look so insanely angry as the one you just killed. Anyway, one of the unicorns has something to say to you:
"I smell the blood of my kin, BrownHoof, on your souls. The Tribunal of Andicorn will hear of your crimes, mortals." Then with a fabulous flip of its mane, the two unicorns run off into the shadows before you can butcher them.

But you shrug and head down the corridor, finally making it to the outside! You arrive in...
  Durth Mining City
So you do.

You come out of a big tunnel, and meet some guards. They're first kind of concerned, but you tell them you met Larry and Abe and that they told you to come this way. Apparently you've been travelling for a couple days in some old, dangerous, platinum mines. You don't remember seeing any platinum though. You're about fifty feet above the canyon floor, and a long ramp leads down to the huge city below. Not quite as big and majestic as Greyhelm, but still pretty big. There are some factories and shit here too, and there's a lot of smoke in the air from smelting or whatever.

Durth Mining City, however, also goes into the canyon walls, and it is built up a hundred feet or so. Most of the commerce goes down in the main city, but there are strange little villages built into the cliffs. Doing some cave farming or something you guess.

Anyway, here you are in town. To train, it'll be 300 gp +300 gp for Brogg's levels, and 400 +400 + 400 gp for Cinder, Dave, and Mike. Special training doubles that. Brogg, you can only special train on one of your levels. So you guys better get some stuff appraised and identified, find an inn for a couple months- one week per level- and chill. By the way, take 300 xp each for monsters in the caves. That includes full xp for the two guards... I like how you handled that without combat, and I want to encourage this campaign to be about ROLE-playing not ROLL-playing.

Lemme know what you guys want to do.
"Brogg, Dave, CHILL!"

Cinder's eyes go wide with pain as he yanks the bolt out of the hole in his belly and tosses it back towards the guard who shot him.

"Wait! This isn't your Zombie! He's our friend and his name is Mike! We can prove it. He was animated."

If the guards pause, Cinder will continue.

"Ask him our names, he knows 'em. Look. We were teleported here after a huge fight with the wizard who killed Mike to begin with. We don't even know where the hell we are. We just want to get to town, go to an inn and recover for god's sake."

And if they're still game...

"Look, you're obviously guards, and I know you have a job to do which entails figuring out who the hell we are and why we're in your cave, and that's cool. Any info you need for any reports you have to make we'll give. I mean, can't you guys do a zombie count to make sure one of yours aren't missing? I swear it will check out. We'll wait. Believe me we have been to Hell and back in these last few hours. Check out what you need to check out, guard what you need to guard, do what you need to do, but damn it please stop shooting at us for one second while you investigate."

CHA check: I shit you not I rolled a 1. When is a critical fumble not a criticle fumble? Boo-ya.
Hmm. Somehow I spellchecked that last post on accident. Here's the errata: bucking: fucking, dime's: DMC's, FLATLY: FLATUL8. Oddly enough, it didn't mess things up too much. The bucking/fucking switch was strangely appropriate.

A golden unicorn horn, that is so cool. Oh, and I am not passing a continual light torch without trying to break that thing off of the wall. Bend Bars Lift Gates?: BR:36. Hmm, Dave, Fist of Odin?

Anyway, I give myself a Cure Light after Dave, Fist of Odin, grants me those two small favors. BR:1 Oh, sweet. Well, I guess that I didn't change my spell list, so here's another BR:3 and another, BR:6. That's 13 total.

Back to business. I am going to unload my last bolt on that guard that hit Cinder! BR: 2, twang! I switch to broadsword after that. Actually, I am going to try to subdue one of these guys. If that's possible, I want to find out if he knows anything about the Oracle of Gryss.
  Larry Checks It Out
Okay Brogg, you deface some of the DMC signs.

Five months later, Brigadeer Lt. Joves Kneerem calls Jenkins the guard into his office.

"Uh, ye... yes sir Brigadeer Lt. Kneerem. Jenkins reporting as requested sir."
"Jenkins. You've been with us, what, two years now?"
"It'll be two years come Christmas, sir."
"Hmm, I see. You a family man, Jenkins?" The Lieutenant raises an eyebrow and frowns at the words. Perhaps at some point in his life, Kneerem was a family man himself, until that fateful November evening...

"Uh, no sir. Not that I know of, at least, sir."
"Heh heh. I see. Well, you know who is a family man Jenkins?"
"Um, sir?"
"Answer the question Jenkins."
"Um, I guess, I guess lots of people are. My brother, his wife's, you know, expecting. And my parents, sir, I suppose..."
"Okay okay let's stop. I'll tell you who's a family man. Lord Gauntlet. Lord Everin Gauntlet is a family man. And I know this because he just came and told me himself, all about his sweet little family." The Lieutenant is beginning to get red in the face. Jenkins blanched at the name Gauntlet... the chief of the DMC himself! The Lieutenant continued his rant: "And our good Lord and provider was telling me about the family outing he just had into the South Caves. You know the South Caves, Jenkins?"
Jenkins began to sweat, not sure why. "Ye... yes... yessir," he stuttered. "It's, uh, it's where I'm stationed sir."
"That's almost right. It was where you were stationed. You a joker, Jenkins? You like a laugh or two?"
"Sir, well, who doesn't like to laugh?"
"Apparently our good Lord's wife and baby, and apparently our good Lord, and apparently not me. Do I look like I'm laughing Jenkins? Do I? Tell me if I'm laughing!"
"Sir no sir."
"Come here and take a look at this. Look at this sign."
In crude handwriting on an old DMC sign, the letters QX314 were crossed out, and written underneath was 4NIK8.
"Read the sign Jenkins."
"Four... four, enn..."
"Just read the goddamn sign!"
"Four... 'fornicate'? Wha?" Jenkins cracked a smile...
"Is that a smile I see on your smug little face Jenkins?! Is that a goddamn smile?"
"Sir no sir." Jenkins was emphatically not smiling.
"Because Lord Gauntlet's wife was not smiling either when she saw your goddamn joke on the goddamn sign."
"But... but I didn't..."
"I don't want EXCUSES Jenkins. I really don't want to hear your excuses. All I want is for you to go down there, clean off all the signs real good, and then report tomorrow for deep cave duty."
Jenkins gulped. The deep caves? They had a mortality rate of 50%. Jenkins heard a rumor that they had... special forces of some sort working deep duty.
"Sir yes sir."
"Don't let the door smack you on the ass Jenkins."
"Sir yes sir." Jenkins walked out.
The Lieutenant took a puff of his cigar and looked back down at the sign.
"Fornicate... heh heh... Deep cave duty. The sorry bastard."
"Well, life's a bitch. Necro squad will get'em in the end I guess." The Lieutenant hung up the sign in his closet and went back to his paperwork.

Anyway, Brogg, you're bleeding and dropping and in a world of hurt from getting 'corned and hoof-stomped. Cinder, nice backstabbing. The unicorn is most definitely not an adventurer... and, just to take another small tangent here, so you guys are, Vrill is, Leuco is, piercer is not. Guards aren't. Bards are. But your brilliant backstab does the trick, and you shove the paladin's sword so far up the unicorn's ass that the intestinal ruptures kill the thing dead. There's sort of a horrible poetic logic or something there, with Brogg getting stabbed with a horn of gold, and the unicorn getting stabbed with a sword of gold. Brogg, I guess you gave your gold to Cinder, so there's a nice closed loop for you, and the gods are pleased. The unicorn, in short, dies.

Let's just say Dave heals you up to... 3 hp. Not too impressive, and that's with two Cure Lights. Anyway, Brogg, you cut off the unicorn's horn and the lot of you continue on your way. Hoping, still, that one of these passages leads somewhere interesting or useful.

Finally, after several more hours of travelling, the passages start to smooth out, becoming larger and more regular. A couple of places, you find continual light torches bracketed to the wall! Then, you come face to face with a couple of guards...

You all momentarily pause, and you're about to hail the guards in a friendly manner, when one of them says:
"Hey, what are you guys doing here... you're not allow... Wait a second! Where are you going with our zombie?!"
They draw crossbows and fire... Dave, miss, Cinder, hit! 6 hp!

The guards are a round away and reloading. Mike pulls out his crossbow, and one of the guards says: "Oh hell, why'd you give him that thing? Check it out Larry, the zombie's got a crossbow."
Pissed unicorn huh?

Cinder is gonna slip into the shadows while it's shoving its golden shive up Brogg's ass.

BR: 27%, minus the bonus for not wearing any armor at all. Rob, you're gonna hafta look that up in Unearthed if you could please.

Next round I'm gonna backstab the living fuck out that 'corn. There's a lot of back to stab there too.

BR: 15! (add +4 if I'm in shadows). I believe horses are, and by extension unicorns, large, so Cinder digs in the dicebox for a cool looking d12, realizes there aren't any, and grabs a crappy orange solid one.

BR:8, x2 = 16 points of damage. More if the unicorn is an "adventurer," but I'm thinkin that's a stretch. Cinder kind of makes a mental note that that orange d12 rolled pretty good.
Oooooof. A bucking unicorn? Kick his magical equine ass, guys! No, wait, heal me and let me do it! I call the horn!

Hey, rewinding a bit, Brogg adds his own set of numbers to one of the dime's signs: FLATLY, 4NIK8, MASTRB8. He then rolls on the ground laughing.

Hey, did you guys see any coins around here? I lost some.
  Beeware the CUBE
Okay Brogg, nice rolling. With Mike the zombie's help, you push the piercer off of Cinder and crush it with your sword. For all their stony carapaces and smack-talk, these piercers don't really have great HD.

Then Dave, double damage is more damage than the other piercer can take. You smash it into powder over and over again. The piercer's soft insides leak out and form a sticky sort of chalky paint with the dust of the stone shell. You paint a big "ODIN KIKS ASS" with the blood paste of the piercer on the cavern floor.

Moving right along. You guys help Cinder up and head off into the caves with the light coin. As you leave the piercer cave, you see a sign facing the other way saying

Danger! Do not enter!
Beware of piercers.

This public notice courtesy of the
Durth Mining College.

Written on the sign by hand in charcoal is another warning:

Beeware the gellantinus CUBE!

Hmm, you think. Keep on trucking, although you guys don't really have any idea where you're going. You've got the feeling you're somewhere in the Durth caverns, but the Durth caverns are the world's largest, stretching for miles, and mostly uncharted, so it's kind of like saying "Hey guys! I narrowed it down! We're definitely in the Atlantic Ocean!" Okay, maybe not so big, but you get the picture. Thankfully, you seem to be in caverns charted by the DMC, as every now and then you see another sign showing some mysterious numbers:


There's no seeming logic to how the letters and numbers change from sign to sign, but at least the signs are there. Every now and then you do hear the faint echo of someone's voice, but it's really far away, and even calling for help does nothing.

Eventually the light coin goes out, and you stop and rest. Maybe rememorize a couple more light spells this time around or light a torch or something, and cure yourselves to full.

Continuing on after you rest, you eventually come to a large cavern with a small underground spring! It's very nice, and there's some strange underworld foliage growing around the small pool, plus some crazy blind albino fish and a translucent lobster.

Even crazier, though, you hear what sounds like chewing noises from the back of the cave. You turn to look, and see what at first you think is a large cave goat eating some moss off the cavern wall... no, not a goat, a beautiful white horse... then it turns to look at you with wild crazy eyes, and you see a single, shining gold horn on its head! A unicorn! As you behold the majesty of the unicorn, it goes berserk with rage, catching you surprised... Brogg, it charges at you, and spears you for 12 hp, knocking you to the ground! It then brings down a hoof on your arm, fracturing it for 4 more hp, putting you under.

Initiative with the crazy unicorn.
Piercers!? I almost warned Cinder of piercers, but I thought, c'mon piercers, what are the chances? And they killed Carl Ffleudenssen!? I love his stuff.

Well, sit tight Cinder, Brogg is back!

Alright, spelunker's bane, this is for Ffleudenssen! Grisbane's Will be done! BR:18! 3 points on the one chewing Cinder!
  I Guess They Have To Mail-Order Their Cards
Play forest, tap elves, both land. Play Thorn Thallid.

"Thallid deck, huh?"
"Well I just sort of threw it together. It's got all kinds of stuff."
"We'll see how much of that stuff you get to play before I kick your ass!"
"Cut the shit talking and play your swamp, bitch."

Swamp, attack with knights. Thallid blocks, knights first strike, killing thallid. Piercer frowns.
  Piercers Do A Lot Of Waiting
So one piercer turns to the other and says, "You wanna play some Magic while we wait?"
"I'm there."

They cut the decks, reverse piercer shows swamp on the bottom while normal piercer's got a craw wurm. Normal piercer plays a forest, Llanowar, done. Reverse piercer plays swamp, dark ritual, pump-knights. Normal piercer nods. The game is afoot.
  It's Like "Power Word: Shit Your Pants, Fellas"
Hey Dave, you've got an important message from the bobcat. He wanted me to tell you, remember when you went to town and trained to fourth level and threw that great party and got special training and took 'awesome skills' as your NWP and got some new spells and rolled maximum hp? 'Member?

Neither does he.

You ain't fourth level yet, o my brother, cause none of that shit has happened yet. Rather, you're still 3rd level stuck in this dumb cave with two or more piercers.

Thus, your THACO is still 20. Just wanted to clear that up.

Anyway, you and zombie co. climb up the rope. Abby just kind of floats up. You get to the top, where you see Cinder screaming like a girl, antagonized by two horrible piercers! You summon a badger, who's pretty pissed that he has to come down here in this goddamn cave, when you should be in town training, letting him chill in his lair playing Madden and watching "Hogan Knows Best" on TiVo rather than making him fight goddamn piercers of all monsters. What's next, he thinks. Bullywugs? The carbuncle army? The fucking Cat Lord? And the phone company just called because he didn't get his payment in on time so they're charging him 5 more gp this month. And his girlfriend is fucking late. So he's like this far from totally losing it.

He takes out some of this on the piercer, bapping it for 4. Dave, in three rounds you'll double damage, but until then... it looks like Cinder may be doomed!
Descent into Depths is an old school 1st Edition AD&D adventure run by the Infinity Group.

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3 Sided

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