Your God Hates You
Dag, the sorry truth is that you will never cast a better Cure spell. You will forever roll 1d8+0.

If you could be a 7th level Cleric, you would finally get Cure Serious Wounds: 2d8+1. But as a multi-class half-elf, you won't make it to 7th I think. Someone with UA can check this. But demi-human Clerics get screwed like no other class.


So, Threnody is up with 4 hp.



I heal Thren. BR7 (Is that still only 1D8? or is it more now that I have levelled a couple times?)

Next round:

BR10 - miss
BR20 - 12 (BR4 +2 x2)

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  And There Was A Midget, In The Closet
We cut to a scene of R. KELLY sitting in an EXECUTIVE-STYLE CHAIR in a dark room. He's watching the events of DiD on a BIG-SCREEN TV. He narrates this encounter through a SLOW-JAM...

R. KELLY: He looks around the office, and says "Something is really weird"
PCs says "Why do you say that?" He says "cos you keep tryin' to get me outta here"
He says "Ever since I been in this house your face has went from white to red
and remember when I first walked through the door you acted like you had seen a ghost from the dead"

Then he says "PCs if you hidin' something i'm gonna be so mad"
Then he hears something fallin he says "What the fuck was that?"
PCs says "It sound like it came from upstairs, sounds like the plumbing"
He said "That sound did not come from upstairs, I'll be damned if you're not up to something"

"The sound that i just heard, it came from this office," and then he looks over by the desk
While PCs easin' over by the window and then he walks over to the desk and pushes it back,
And then he looks in their faces, looks like they about to have a heart-attack, then he notices the pie on the desk
One slice is missing, now the stories gettin' scary, cos he comes to realize that the Princess is allergic to cherry.

Then he slowly looks up at em and now they faces is red as hell, he's breathing real hard,
movin' closer, they says "Son you don't look so well"
And then he says "move"
They says "no"
He says "move"
They says "no"
"BITCHES MOVE!!!" PCs move, and then he looks at the closet,
He walks to the closet, he's close to the closet, now he's opening the closet.
Now pause the movie cos what i'm about to say to ya'll is so damn twisted,
Not only is there a man in his closet, but the man... is a MIDGET!


KT: Az healed up to 1 hp. Thren healed up to 9 hp.

Guard Captain rushes Thren and Dag with sword. Dag gets one hit in. Guard Captain hits Thren once for 12 hp, back down to -3 hp.


Princess Theodore rushes out of the closet. Uh, let's see who believes it. Two guards do.

Okay Theo, two guards chase after you. Where you goin'?


R. KELLY: Now the midget jumps outta the closet and stomps the policemen on his toe
The policemen hoppin around on one leg screamin "son of bitch" while he runs under the table
He yells ''freeze'' dives over the table and lands on the midget...while the midget is kickin
real fast screamin out "Princess, Princess!"
She yells "darlin don't hurt em'"
He says "Princess get yo' ass back..." then he continue to ruff up the midget as if the midget was under attack...

Then Princess runs up to her room, goes in her purse and pulls a number out...
The police puts him on the table and yells "Man, what the hell you doin' in my house?!"
He whips cherry pie crust off his mouth and says "Man, i was paid not to tell you"
Then the police pulls his gun out and yells "Trespassin man I got the right to shoot you."
The midget says "Mister, the man that payed me to do this would kill me if i tell"
He points the gun in his face, the midget say ''God i think i just shitted on myself''


  Theodore Koppel
Did you hear that?

wait for it...

wait for it...

Koppel just came out of the kloset dressed as a girl.

I swing on Neo-Bekkers:

BR 14 for 8 (BR 6 +2)
BR 11 (if it hits) for 5 (BR 3 +2)


  Theodore Koppel
No, I think it's just me and the Princess in the broom closet, with the none people outside.

If that's the case, I stick to my plan. -I make sure to shut the closet door as I run out.


So there are like 9 people in a broom closet?

I'll heal Threnody. Can I administer 3 berries to Az also, to get him conscious (so he can heal himself)?
  Nut Combat Round 3
Threnody Shields. Blam. The bullet still rips through it, doing you 12 pts; you're down to 3 hp.

Az gets some healing at rises to -2 hp.


Theodore, I assume by 'exit' you don't mean the open window, which would be the main exit from this place. You look around, and don't see the Princess. You enter the broom closet, right next to Az, KT, Dag, the spiderbot, and three guards- as in, one foot away from all of them- and there she is.

You enter the closet, closing the door behind you, and cast Change Self into the Princess.

We'll get to next round when we get to next round


I missed the part about Az going negative. I CLW myself, and give Az a berry so he doesn't drop. I'll heal Az next round.
  Theodore Koppel
I cruise through the room and out any other exit, whether that be a door or stairway.

I then cast Change Self, making myself look like the Princess.

Finally, I dash back through the combat and down the stairs as the Princess, screaming wildly. If anyone gives chase, I keep running.
CLW on Az for 4.
Ah. Bekkers two and the guard captain are one-and-the-same. Check. Other Bekkers is gone? Ah, well.

Retarget my ass, will you? I cast shield on myself. Someone's helping Az, right?

Bummer about my bobcat.

The, just in case, here's another round of bowfire (so this post is another two rounds - casting, and then archery)

BR 2 and 19. So close! Br 5 for 7 more points. Potion up, and potion down.

"Hey motherfucker. Drop the pistol and let's talk, hey? We're PCs, here, and you're no Greg Vrill, my man. You're a minor footnote in this story - so let's figure this shit out."
  Nut Your Average Combat
Here's the lowdown.

Imagine Troy, Michigan, after the apocalypse. One of those office buildings, all derelict? You're in one. (Only it's inside a geodesic dome that's all gone ghetto itself.)

You're on the second floor, in an office of an old candy bar company. A sign that reads


hangs tattered over the secretary's desk. In the CEO's office is where Azoth has fled, bleeding from a gunshot wound, dragging the Princess with him.


The Princess is hidden somewhere out of sight. The Onze Guard Captain Ambassador Bekkers, wielding a wicked blade and a sweet pistol, just blasted Az in the gut, dropping him low.

KT is standing over Az's bleeding body. The three other Onze guards have surrounded him and are beating Tut into submission.

A bobcat, the spiderbot, and Dag form a larger circle around those three guardsmen, trying to help KT and Az.

Threnody comes in from the back, bow drawn.

Theodore comes in last. Yes Theo, you can Change Self into a bigger human self.

Finally, there was a fifth guardsman, and there was the original creepy Ambassador Bekkers, but they're outside and gone.


Guard Captain Pistolero Bekkers gets cover behind a desk and... well, so sweet and fleeting are the best things in life. The bobcat disappears in a flash of gunfire, blood, fur, and precious cat tears. So solly.

Dag and the bot take down one of the guards.

Threnody- nice bowfire. He's AC:2 behind the desk, but you get three hits. Looking bad, somehow this well-groomed Guard Captain breaks the DM's promise! He pulls out a potion, a fucking POTION, and drinks it, healing a bit. The guy still looks rough and retargets you Threnody.

Azoth, blood continues to spurt out of your chest like a fucking gross geyser, showering the guards and KT in red salty fluid. -7 and counting.

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Can I get a status check? We've got two Bekkers - one is down, right? Where's the other one?

We've got some guards, and a captain. Did they all rush into the building?

Az and the princess are in the building - both out of combat, right?

My bobcat was just fucking shit up, and apparently went into the building. That's cool. I dunno if I did - depends on what my party's doing. If no-one's on the 'new' Bekkers, then he's the apple of my eye. If he's covered, I go help Az.

Here's two rounds of bowfire - first choice is new-Bekkers, then guard captain, then guards (depending on the tactical situation).

BR 12 and 10 - hit AC 0 (for 6 points) and AC 2 (for 4 points).

BR 8 and 16 - hit AC 4 (for 3 points) and AC -4 (for 7 points).
I clock that guard again

BR 6 - oof
BR 19 for 6 (BR4 +2)

I want to maintain my position between the guards and Az & the Princess.


  Theodore Koppel
I take those shots then follow in after.

I try to be sneaky, but follow the noise to where these folk are going.

Question: can I Change Self to appear to be human?
I stash the princess on the second floor... hope someone can figure out where to go from there, I'm down till further notice, unless I get another heal.
  Neo Bekkers Has A Rough Weapon
Okay, everyone's moving into the derelict building, chasing Az and the Princess.

Az, your call. It's a small skyscraper, goes up maybe 20 stories. Do you want to keep going up and move the combat to the top? Somewhere in between? Or leave it on the first floor? I'll assume first floor unless I hear otherwise in the next two days.

When you finally duck into an abandoned office, stashing the Princess in a broom closet, you cast Bless. That's right when the guards will charge in and restart combat in there.


Theodore, sort of surprise you had. I mean, no one was really that surprised that you fired the weapon you wielded. Everyone was watching you. No invis, no backstabby, no ninja from the shrub. You were squared off with someone, and acted first. That more or less constitutes winning initiative, not a free round. I already said three guards were confused by the oddity of your action.

Still Theo, dmg done, 9 pts to Captain A. Bekkers over three rounds. After those three rounds, everyone else is in the building. You have a choice: you can stay outside, firing at their running asses as they go. Or, you can move with them, and apply these bowshots to the new combat that will begin in the building.


Threnody, same choice, but it sounds like you're running in to stay with the Abcess. I mean, Princess. Bobcat brought in. He floats into the building and will go for a guard.


Dag pursues. When you get in, you clock a guard.


KT, you CLW Az, and send the robot off to attack another guard. Done.


Az, blam from Neo-Bekkers. Good thing you were CLW'd, as the bullet hits you square in the gut. 14 hp dmg, putting you at -6.

KT, as a priest, you get the other apple. Three guards attack you. 21 hp dmg! Dropping you to 7 hp. Time for a plan guys.
CLW on Az, 6 pts.

Spiderbot on a guard, 10 is a hit or miss? 3pts (x2).
okay, so I dropped one of the Bekkers... theoretically by surprise. If Az took the girl and ran, that theoretically puts me and my battel staves between Az and anyone who is chasing him. I swing on the first person who goes after him.

BR 19 for 7 (BR5 +2)
BR 10 which prolly misses

My goal here is to stay between the guards and Az. If they get by me, I pursue.
Yeah - my basic plan is to cover Azoth - so whoever advances gets a couple of arrows.

FIRST, though, I summon a bobcat to enter the fray. Go, my faithful minion, and fuck shit up for 3 rounds!

Then, a round of bowfire, just to more firmly state my position. Preferably on the captain, or Bekkers - depending on the tactics. Rob, I'll leave that decision up to you, because I'm not exactly sure who's where. The Princess is my first priority, then the new Bekkers, then any random scrubs.

BR 10 and 20 - both hit any AC we might be facing, and one of 'em's doubled. HA!

BR 4 and (doubled) 5 - for 6 and then 14 hp.
Yeah, I'll run into the first derelict building I can find, but I'll stick with the princess. I hope Threnody comes with. Once I'm in the builing, if I get a spare moment, I cast bless. Otherwise, I'm looking for a good defensive position.
  Theodore Koppel
Just a second.

I'd say my silent shotgun was a surprise, no?

So, round 1, I shoot the captain of the guard, BRs:14,17 wow! I think that's AC:6 and 3 for 1 and 6 points, respectively.

Round two, that bastard again, BRs:5,9. Uh, no.

Round three, I shoot Captain as he runs after Az, BRs:18,11. That should be one hit for 2.

The power!
  The Battle Of The Bekkers: Round 2
Hi everyone. Nice, everyone acted this round.

KT, Goodberry given. The guy's not dead, just bleeding.

Azoth, you grab the Princess and go. Princess = apple, meaning that all the guards turn their attention to you. 'Placing her somewhere safe' is sort of a non sequitur as wherever you go, they gonna go wit' you.

Threnody, Sleep drops one of the guards.


Next round. Guard Captain Ambassador Bekkers draws a pistol and shoots Azoth. Blam. It's not illusionary. You take 13 hp, dropping you to 2 hp. He also moves in Az's direction.

Guard 2 wakes up sleeping guard 3. They're both heading towards Az.

Guard Captain AB tells guard 4 to get Unconscious AB to the ship. Guard 4 drags off the body.

Guard 5 runs after Azoth.

At this point, let's figure out where Azoth and G5 are running. Basically Az, your best choice is a derelict building, especially as I assume your plan was to stash her in an empty building and run back to the fight.

Of course, the fight is coming to you. Good luck! Survive this guys, and you can train here.


I cast Sleep on the guards.

We've got two Bekkers, and that shit's fucked up. Vampires and juicing and shit? I just dunno. This princess seems a bit out of sorts - maybe she's short-bus material, but skeletal hands from the ground is wack.

Whatever goes down I think we're fucking with the wrong people here, is what I'm saying. So let's knock everyone over and then sort some shit out, hey?

One Bekkers is down. Azoth is watching the princess, who seems also down, sorta, or at least not coherent enough to fuck with us.

I draw my bow and move between anyone else and Azoth.

"Let's just settle down here, hey? And by Settle Down, I mean chill the fuck out, dude." I say this to anyone who's not a member of my party.

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Descent into Depths is an old school 1st Edition AD&D adventure run by the Infinity Group.

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