9.03.2005
Brogg:
Yeah, what is up with those taxes? I think that we need to pay a visit to these Caruthers and Sons fellas.
But, first things first. We can't lose anymore zombies. I think that Cinder has a great plan. Let's ambush this Zombie Thief tonight. Mike the Zombie 1k will be doing some midnight apple picking, and we will all wait nearby. As for myself, I would like to hide in some bushes or something, maybe 20 feet or so away from Mike the Zombie 1k. I tell Mike the Zombie 1k to draw his Continual Light torch out at the first sign of trouble. We've got your back, buddy.
As for the Shady Orchards residents, I think they best stay indoors.
By the way, Ronald, I have to say that you have been doing a really great job with the place. Color me impressed.
But, first things first. We can't lose anymore zombies. I think that Cinder has a great plan. Let's ambush this Zombie Thief tonight. Mike the Zombie 1k will be doing some midnight apple picking, and we will all wait nearby. As for myself, I would like to hide in some bushes or something, maybe 20 feet or so away from Mike the Zombie 1k. I tell Mike the Zombie 1k to draw his Continual Light torch out at the first sign of trouble. We've got your back, buddy.
As for the Shady Orchards residents, I think they best stay indoors.
By the way, Ronald, I have to say that you have been doing a really great job with the place. Color me impressed.
9.02.2005
The Pixie Thinks Grito 'Hell Of Blows'
“Oh hell yes,” says Charles, the Blackwall Thiefs member currently hanging out at Shady O. He kicks it right back.
What’s up mother fucks
He’s the hottest around
Hide yer jewels and yer daughters
When da theef come to town!
(What?)
Climbing walls, picking locks
Getting paid, buying stocks
Stole some bling from the king
Now he’s down by the docks
He gotta plan with a knife
Hella fun, hella strife
Hella gettin down with your wife
Cuz we Blackwalls 4 life
(Cin-da!)
Getcha thug on
And cut a rug on
A li’l drink on
A li’l pink on
Here a smoke on
There a toke on
A bit a poke on
Or make ya choke on
(Ah-ha!)
And yo Cinder’s the name
So get it deep in your brain
It’ll live on in fame
Across the prime material plane
(Yeah, UH)
Gettin tipsy with the wolfman, pullin gps
xps, times threes, knockin boots if you please
The mission statement’s To Kife
Cuz we Blackwalls 4 life
(Propa)
“Take it G-dogg.” Charles passes the mic over to Gregolas, who’s still watching Xena Warrior Princess on TV. He’s a little stunned, or just stoned, at first, but then drops some lyrics.
Um, I’m Gregolas Half-elven
And… uh, I’ma livin in this dwellin
With some zombies and a felon
Now it’s time to hear my yellin
I never really had it so good
Born an raised in the hood
The ghetto-ass of The Wood
Jus try and do what I could
Kept behind in my class
Always beatin my ass
Jus try an get a D minus to pass
So I can go smoke some grass
But now I’m making my way
On a farm baling hay
So listen up as I say
It’s a pretty nice f***ing day
Gregolas is MY name
Half-elf igga’s in-sane!
Now you feelin my game
But yo, peace out all the same
Now that’s a fucking welcome home party. Gregolas and Charles crack 40s and get the party started even though it’s only about 11:30 AM. Some zombies come in and cut rugs.
The next day, Cinder, a FedEx package arrives for you. Inside are 100 xps, all shiny and new, for displaying excellent skillz.
…
Later, you can sit down with Greetles. Charles and Gregolas also hang out, and seem to more or less pay attention, but sometimes wander around or check out the game on the telly.
You inform them of what happened, and ask more about some of this crappy mail you got. Charles just shakes his head when you tell him about the monks, and Gregolas says that you should call up Mysterious and challenge him to a battle… a rap battle. “Uh, I mean, that was some stone cold rockin. I doubt this lawful good new age guy can handle that shit, 17th level or whatever, it don’t matter none. Rematch, bro.”
You guys can talk more over that big dinner. Check, no dogs for dinner. Actually, there really aren’t any dogs to be found, still, for some reason. Looking at the posts, here ya go:
Charles is a 3rd level thief. Grew up in Durth, gang-banging and shit. Blackwalls since 13 years old. Slept with a Chess Clubber’s barmaid, had to split, came here. Um, he can’t really speak for the boss… if you wanna charge rates, well, first of all, Charles really doesn’t have any money to pay you, and two, you gotta go to Greyhelm and talk to the man. But yeah, he’s cool watching over the place. He kind of likes it, if you don’t mind the whole 1st-level module-on-acid thing Shady Orchards has going, zombies and kobolds all running the place.
Greetles talked to Mr. Ivans, assistant to the mayor, about the taxes. He thought it was 1 gp + 5% revenue each month, pretty reasonable, and that’s all paid. He doesn’t really know where this other stuff came from, and he’s been sort of scared to make too much of a stink and have a lot of people come down and investigate the farm. Everyone agrees that wouldn’t be good.
The farm itself is running pretty smoothly, and Greetles has a bank account set up, Shady Orchards LLC. It’s already netted several hundred gps! Of course, you guys are free to take what you want, but Greetles thought that, especially given this weird new huge tax, he’d let it sit and accrue for the time being. Anyway, it’s up to 534.4 gp at the 2nd Grito Big Savings Bank, he shows you the latest statement. Apples are big in Grito, apparently.
As for the missing zombies, well, Zombie 3 and Zombie 17 are now gone, and this other zombie (Zombie 1) saw a big wolf come and take Z3 away. All the zombies wear soccer jerseys with numbers sewn onto them so Greetles can keep them organized. In fact, that’s Gregolas’s main job, sew the numbers onto soccer jerseys. (So you can imagine how great a job the stitching is. It basically looks like crap.) There’s been some howling too. That’s all they know. Mike the Zombie agrees to serve as bait, but you guys better be backing him up on this. And he wants jersey 1000. None of the NPCs are really master tacticians, so you tell me your plan. Just imagine a farmhouse, an orchard, all surrounded by a big wooden fence. There’s a small barn/shed thing too.
Finally, okay, you guys head down to the mayor’s office to sort out the tax thing. You’re all human enough, so no one should freak out. The mayor is so glad to see you again and asks if you defeated Vrill, you can fill him in or lie outright, either way it’s obvious the guy has no beans and is pretty clueless. At first, he’s sort of unhelpful, saying that you got to pay the taxes (and can see a 10K gp gleam in his eye), but… Dave is a Man Of The People, after all, more specifically a Man Of This Person, so he finally admits that he doesn’t know much about it, and that strange arcane legal rites have been invoked using ancient land laws, slavery laws, inheritance laws, etc. No one in Grito even knew about this stuff until a long legal document arrived from Greyhelm. The mayor will show it to you, and sure enough, it comes from the same office as the restraining order: Caruthers and Sons, 15B Great Helm Lane. Hmm. But the mayor agrees that if you could just pay whatever you can, whenever you want, well he’s just so glad to see some real heroes again, and does a bump of snuff.
Marivhon, okay, before you leave Durth for Grito, you head on down to the Red Lotus Gang. They seem sorta hell-bent on fighting the MOP, although 20 ninjas in red jump suits… hmm. You might want to reconsider where you’re taking that 200 gp for special training. They’ll go on and on about honor and vengeance and ninjitsu and Yu-Gi-Oh and stuff. They don’t have any priest magic or anything, so they’re not so scared, and they don’t even know what a modron is, but damn do they sound lame, so extra not-scared. (Lemme know if you want a refund.) In any case, back in Grito, you’re like the only monk going. No MOP, no RLG, none of that. Picture the most average D&D village, there’s like a stream, water wheel, half-orc blacksmith, bar with a rumors table posted right on the inside of the door, all that crap. That’s Grito. No ninjas.
Marivhon, hat-pixie sez: “Look buddy. Tell ya what. This village hell of blows. Let’s go find some action. Blackjack’s my game. Just let me have 10 gps and I’ll double… no, triple your money.”
Plans? Especially regarding: Mike the zombie (aka, ‘Z1000’) baiting the wolf, what about the legal troubles, etc.
What’s up mother fucks
He’s the hottest around
Hide yer jewels and yer daughters
When da theef come to town!
(What?)
Climbing walls, picking locks
Getting paid, buying stocks
Stole some bling from the king
Now he’s down by the docks
He gotta plan with a knife
Hella fun, hella strife
Hella gettin down with your wife
Cuz we Blackwalls 4 life
(Cin-da!)
Getcha thug on
And cut a rug on
A li’l drink on
A li’l pink on
Here a smoke on
There a toke on
A bit a poke on
Or make ya choke on
(Ah-ha!)
And yo Cinder’s the name
So get it deep in your brain
It’ll live on in fame
Across the prime material plane
(Yeah, UH)
Gettin tipsy with the wolfman, pullin gps
xps, times threes, knockin boots if you please
The mission statement’s To Kife
Cuz we Blackwalls 4 life
(Propa)
“Take it G-dogg.” Charles passes the mic over to Gregolas, who’s still watching Xena Warrior Princess on TV. He’s a little stunned, or just stoned, at first, but then drops some lyrics.
Um, I’m Gregolas Half-elven
And… uh, I’ma livin in this dwellin
With some zombies and a felon
Now it’s time to hear my yellin
I never really had it so good
Born an raised in the hood
The ghetto-ass of The Wood
Jus try and do what I could
Kept behind in my class
Always beatin my ass
Jus try an get a D minus to pass
So I can go smoke some grass
But now I’m making my way
On a farm baling hay
So listen up as I say
It’s a pretty nice f***ing day
Gregolas is MY name
Half-elf igga’s in-sane!
Now you feelin my game
But yo, peace out all the same
Now that’s a fucking welcome home party. Gregolas and Charles crack 40s and get the party started even though it’s only about 11:30 AM. Some zombies come in and cut rugs.
The next day, Cinder, a FedEx package arrives for you. Inside are 100 xps, all shiny and new, for displaying excellent skillz.
…
Later, you can sit down with Greetles. Charles and Gregolas also hang out, and seem to more or less pay attention, but sometimes wander around or check out the game on the telly.
You inform them of what happened, and ask more about some of this crappy mail you got. Charles just shakes his head when you tell him about the monks, and Gregolas says that you should call up Mysterious and challenge him to a battle… a rap battle. “Uh, I mean, that was some stone cold rockin. I doubt this lawful good new age guy can handle that shit, 17th level or whatever, it don’t matter none. Rematch, bro.”
You guys can talk more over that big dinner. Check, no dogs for dinner. Actually, there really aren’t any dogs to be found, still, for some reason. Looking at the posts, here ya go:
Charles is a 3rd level thief. Grew up in Durth, gang-banging and shit. Blackwalls since 13 years old. Slept with a Chess Clubber’s barmaid, had to split, came here. Um, he can’t really speak for the boss… if you wanna charge rates, well, first of all, Charles really doesn’t have any money to pay you, and two, you gotta go to Greyhelm and talk to the man. But yeah, he’s cool watching over the place. He kind of likes it, if you don’t mind the whole 1st-level module-on-acid thing Shady Orchards has going, zombies and kobolds all running the place.
Greetles talked to Mr. Ivans, assistant to the mayor, about the taxes. He thought it was 1 gp + 5% revenue each month, pretty reasonable, and that’s all paid. He doesn’t really know where this other stuff came from, and he’s been sort of scared to make too much of a stink and have a lot of people come down and investigate the farm. Everyone agrees that wouldn’t be good.
The farm itself is running pretty smoothly, and Greetles has a bank account set up, Shady Orchards LLC. It’s already netted several hundred gps! Of course, you guys are free to take what you want, but Greetles thought that, especially given this weird new huge tax, he’d let it sit and accrue for the time being. Anyway, it’s up to 534.4 gp at the 2nd Grito Big Savings Bank, he shows you the latest statement. Apples are big in Grito, apparently.
As for the missing zombies, well, Zombie 3 and Zombie 17 are now gone, and this other zombie (Zombie 1) saw a big wolf come and take Z3 away. All the zombies wear soccer jerseys with numbers sewn onto them so Greetles can keep them organized. In fact, that’s Gregolas’s main job, sew the numbers onto soccer jerseys. (So you can imagine how great a job the stitching is. It basically looks like crap.) There’s been some howling too. That’s all they know. Mike the Zombie agrees to serve as bait, but you guys better be backing him up on this. And he wants jersey 1000. None of the NPCs are really master tacticians, so you tell me your plan. Just imagine a farmhouse, an orchard, all surrounded by a big wooden fence. There’s a small barn/shed thing too.
Finally, okay, you guys head down to the mayor’s office to sort out the tax thing. You’re all human enough, so no one should freak out. The mayor is so glad to see you again and asks if you defeated Vrill, you can fill him in or lie outright, either way it’s obvious the guy has no beans and is pretty clueless. At first, he’s sort of unhelpful, saying that you got to pay the taxes (and can see a 10K gp gleam in his eye), but… Dave is a Man Of The People, after all, more specifically a Man Of This Person, so he finally admits that he doesn’t know much about it, and that strange arcane legal rites have been invoked using ancient land laws, slavery laws, inheritance laws, etc. No one in Grito even knew about this stuff until a long legal document arrived from Greyhelm. The mayor will show it to you, and sure enough, it comes from the same office as the restraining order: Caruthers and Sons, 15B Great Helm Lane. Hmm. But the mayor agrees that if you could just pay whatever you can, whenever you want, well he’s just so glad to see some real heroes again, and does a bump of snuff.
Marivhon, okay, before you leave Durth for Grito, you head on down to the Red Lotus Gang. They seem sorta hell-bent on fighting the MOP, although 20 ninjas in red jump suits… hmm. You might want to reconsider where you’re taking that 200 gp for special training. They’ll go on and on about honor and vengeance and ninjitsu and Yu-Gi-Oh and stuff. They don’t have any priest magic or anything, so they’re not so scared, and they don’t even know what a modron is, but damn do they sound lame, so extra not-scared. (Lemme know if you want a refund.) In any case, back in Grito, you’re like the only monk going. No MOP, no RLG, none of that. Picture the most average D&D village, there’s like a stream, water wheel, half-orc blacksmith, bar with a rumors table posted right on the inside of the door, all that crap. That’s Grito. No ninjas.
Marivhon, hat-pixie sez: “Look buddy. Tell ya what. This village hell of blows. Let’s go find some action. Blackjack’s my game. Just let me have 10 gps and I’ll double… no, triple your money.”
Plans? Especially regarding: Mike the zombie (aka, ‘Z1000’) baiting the wolf, what about the legal troubles, etc.
9.01.2005
Marivhon
I'm fine with all of that.
I hang-out, meditate and maybe kick a little ass. A very little ass.
Read some dragonlance in my spare time to learn a bit about the adventuring life.
I don't think any of these legal troubles are mine per se but I'll tag along as muscle if there is some negotiating to do.
I did want to check in with the red Lotus monks and get them the skinny on the MOP.
thats all.
I hang-out, meditate and maybe kick a little ass. A very little ass.
Read some dragonlance in my spare time to learn a bit about the adventuring life.
I don't think any of these legal troubles are mine per se but I'll tag along as muscle if there is some negotiating to do.
I did want to check in with the red Lotus monks and get them the skinny on the MOP.
thats all.
Brogg:
Damn, my man! I slap Cinder some skin.
Yeah, I think that we should still have a nice dinner.
As for the 10G's I think that we ought to see the mayor. I have 1000gp, maybe we can get on some sort of payment plan. I think that charging the Blackwalls a little might also be a good move. I want to have a conversation with Gregolas, too. Is he just growing for his own use, or is he selling?
As for the assualt charges, I say fuck it. Vrill just wants a restraining order to keep us out of melee. He is a wizard after all. I am sure that he just wants us to stay far enough away so that he can Fireball us properly.
Ronald, tell me more about this Wolf and the missing Zombies. I think that we should have a little stake-out tonight. If Mike the Zombie is up for it, perhaps he could play the decoy... Marivhon, want some extra XP?
Yeah, I think that we should still have a nice dinner.
As for the 10G's I think that we ought to see the mayor. I have 1000gp, maybe we can get on some sort of payment plan. I think that charging the Blackwalls a little might also be a good move. I want to have a conversation with Gregolas, too. Is he just growing for his own use, or is he selling?
As for the assualt charges, I say fuck it. Vrill just wants a restraining order to keep us out of melee. He is a wizard after all. I am sure that he just wants us to stay far enough away so that he can Fireball us properly.
Ronald, tell me more about this Wolf and the missing Zombies. I think that we should have a little stake-out tonight. If Mike the Zombie is up for it, perhaps he could play the decoy... Marivhon, want some extra XP?
8.31.2005
Forged In The Heat Of Battle
Rested from the combat in the mountain temple, the brave adventurers set out from Durth, back to Grito.
Much to the dismay of their under-xp'ed new monk friend, there were no wandering encounters on the road back home. "Wandering monsters... suck for xp," explained Mike the zombie.
A heavy rain accompanied our heroes out of Durth Mining City, but let up as they made it into the hills and meadows outside the Durth mountains. It took several days to get back home, but finally, Grito was in sight.
...
Ah, the sleepy village of Grito. Not too long ago, this village was the site of much mayhem involving owlbears and a complicated plot centered on a devious Potion Guild Guildmaster. But no more! Grito has, in a phrase, gone back to sleep.
The adventurers trundled on to "Shady Orchards", the small farm that they inherited after defeating Vrill. (The first time.) After many months away, mostly spent training and drinking in towns, but sometimes spent in horrible, blood-spurting combat, Shady Orchards has been transformed, apparently under the able hands of one Mr. Ronald Greetles, kobold servant.
There's a tall wooden fence completely surrounding the farm, for instance. And a stout gate at the entrance. You knock on the gate, and a little bell rings. Not too long later, some dude opens the gate a crack and looks at you. "Whaddya want."
You are taken aback, but carefully explain to this gentleman that you are in fact the owners of said property. He considers this, you draw weapons, he lets you in.
The place looks pretty good! A few zombies work out in the orchards, you hear a low moaning drifting on the wind:
"Pickin/
all/
apples...
Pickin/
every/
day...
Missus/
in/
da/
kitchen...
Master/
gone/
a/
way..."
Apparently this guy is a Blackwall Thief in hiding, hanging out in Shady Orchards. His 'job' is basically to make sure no one bad enters the farm. You head up to the farmhouse.
As you step up on the porch though, you hear some music coming out of the building. It... oh no, it sounds kind of familiar! Rousing theme music... some monks chanting, a woman’s voice maybe singing some religious song. At first you are wary, wondering if the MOP infiltrated here as well, and are producing another album! Your hearts burn with hate and thoughts of revenge, you draw weapons... But no, wait a sec, it sounds different… it sounds more valiant… it sounds like a war cry, like a song calling brave warriors to battle, like a…
…mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle
The power… the passion… the danger
Her courage will change the world!
You push open the door and step inside. The living room is sort of a mess. There's Gregolas Half-elven sitting on the couch in a dingy bathrobe, eating a bowl of Cheerio's, watching TV. (The TV is what you heard.) "Hey dudes," he says, not looking at you, just staring blankly at the TV, munching on cereal. "Want some cereal? We still got some milk."
You look around for Greetles. Hmm, not in the study. However, there's quite a bit of mail on the desk, which looks pretty cluttered. Here's something that looks interesting:
THE TOWER OF BLACK MAGICK
Editor: Valerie "Dawnraven" Clarkston
Dear Mr. Greetles:
Thank you for your submission to "The Tower of Black Magick", the number one unofficial site for Raistlin fan fiction. We are pleased to print your offering in our next issue! Please correct the enclosed author proofs ASAP.
Yours in Krynn,
Dawnraven.
"THE BLUE DRAGON'S REVENGE"
by R. Greetles, aka Fizbane666@aol.com
"Apprentice! It is ready. Bring the drake's blood."
The voice hissing in his pointed ears, Dalamar regarded his master coolly with his dark elf's eyes. He often wondered what the golden hourglasses saw his own fate to be. 'Does my master suspect my machinations?' he wondered to himself. 'That someday I shall surpass even him, the Past and Present archmage, in mastery over the Black Arts?'. The drow picked up the chalice lightly in his left hand and stalked proudly into his master's chamber...
Interesting. Okay, here's some more mail:
MR. ROLAND GRATES! YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!
The Greyhelm Clearing House Contest of Champions! Just scratch one box for each magazine subscription...
Ugh. And another piece:
From the quill of Shettin, servant of Grisbane
Dear Mr. Greetles,
I am pleased to continue our correspondence re: the duality of symbols in the Grisbane mythos. Your question regarding passage 44:13, for example, displays such erudition that I am constantly finding myself surprised that I am not in long discussion with one of the high priests of our temple! I hope this letter finds you in good health and prepared to 'bunker down' for the night, as my answer will undoubly not be a short one.
Etc...
Well, Greetles it seems has sure been busy. Here's some more mail:
JUGS! The Rude and Raunchy Sisters of Issac!
Dear Mr. Half-elven,
We regret to inform you that your subscription to JUGS! cannot be fulfilled as the credit card information you have provided seems incorrect...
Hmm. And finally:
Grito Home-and-Farmowner's Association
To Whom It May Concern:
We regret to inform you that certain paperwork regarding the property at 3 Farm Lane, so-called "Shady Orchards", is not in order. Our accounting office indicates that, as current claimant to said address, you have defaulted on several months property tax, including the initial fee required for inheritance of said property.
You owe: 10,000 gp, payable to the city of Grito.
Thanks,
The Grito Home-and-Farmowner's Association
...
Uh-oh. Right as you're reading that one, Greetles comes in. He's dressed in dungarees, a little vest, and a smoking jacket. He frowns when he sees you reading the letter, and cleans his glasses on a little handkerchief.
"Hi guys. Uh, yeah. They're trying to foreclose on us I guess. I don't really get it. I was about to write you and give you the news. Um. Welcome home, um, make yourselves at home. Did you have some nice adventures?"
You put down your stuff, maybe get a bite to eat, and fill Greetles in. Asking more about Grito, though, it becomes more and more apparent that 'lawn darts and R&R' ain't on the menu for our brave adventueres.
"Uh, right, so we've lost a couple zombies. The other ones are keeping their spirits up, but there's been like a wolf or something? It comes at night and eats zombies. I don't know why the zombies don't just kill it, but they don't. You can hear it howling sometimes too, it's pretty scary."
"Oh yeah, and there are two other pieces of mail that I was putting in this package for you. Let me get them." Greetles gets off his chair and rummages around under his desk. "Here you go. Both these things also just arrived."
The first is a plain brown-paper wrapped book. Opening it up, you find that it's an advance copy of "No Gods Allowed". Huh.
The second is another formal letter from the court of Greyhelm or a lawyer or something:
Dear Mr. Brogg, Mr. Cinder, Mr. Dave, Mr. Marivhon, and Mr. Zombie. This letter is to inform you that you are to appear in the 3rd district Greyhelm civil court on August 30 for a hearing regarding your assault of one Mr. Gregory Vrill. You will hearby be issued a restraining order not allowing you to come within 100 meters of Mr. Vrill, with the exception of court appearances. Failure to appear in court on this date will result in possibly fine or imprisonment.
Best regards,
Mr. Willowby Caruthers
Caruthers and Sons Legal Council
Well, you've already missed the court date. Thoughts?
Much to the dismay of their under-xp'ed new monk friend, there were no wandering encounters on the road back home. "Wandering monsters... suck for xp," explained Mike the zombie.
A heavy rain accompanied our heroes out of Durth Mining City, but let up as they made it into the hills and meadows outside the Durth mountains. It took several days to get back home, but finally, Grito was in sight.
...
Ah, the sleepy village of Grito. Not too long ago, this village was the site of much mayhem involving owlbears and a complicated plot centered on a devious Potion Guild Guildmaster. But no more! Grito has, in a phrase, gone back to sleep.
The adventurers trundled on to "Shady Orchards", the small farm that they inherited after defeating Vrill. (The first time.) After many months away, mostly spent training and drinking in towns, but sometimes spent in horrible, blood-spurting combat, Shady Orchards has been transformed, apparently under the able hands of one Mr. Ronald Greetles, kobold servant.
There's a tall wooden fence completely surrounding the farm, for instance. And a stout gate at the entrance. You knock on the gate, and a little bell rings. Not too long later, some dude opens the gate a crack and looks at you. "Whaddya want."
You are taken aback, but carefully explain to this gentleman that you are in fact the owners of said property. He considers this, you draw weapons, he lets you in.
The place looks pretty good! A few zombies work out in the orchards, you hear a low moaning drifting on the wind:
"Pickin/
all/
apples...
Pickin/
every/
day...
Missus/
in/
da/
kitchen...
Master/
gone/
a/
way..."
Apparently this guy is a Blackwall Thief in hiding, hanging out in Shady Orchards. His 'job' is basically to make sure no one bad enters the farm. You head up to the farmhouse.
As you step up on the porch though, you hear some music coming out of the building. It... oh no, it sounds kind of familiar! Rousing theme music... some monks chanting, a woman’s voice maybe singing some religious song. At first you are wary, wondering if the MOP infiltrated here as well, and are producing another album! Your hearts burn with hate and thoughts of revenge, you draw weapons... But no, wait a sec, it sounds different… it sounds more valiant… it sounds like a war cry, like a song calling brave warriors to battle, like a…
…mighty princess, forged in the heat of battle
The power… the passion… the danger
Her courage will change the world!
You push open the door and step inside. The living room is sort of a mess. There's Gregolas Half-elven sitting on the couch in a dingy bathrobe, eating a bowl of Cheerio's, watching TV. (The TV is what you heard.) "Hey dudes," he says, not looking at you, just staring blankly at the TV, munching on cereal. "Want some cereal? We still got some milk."
You look around for Greetles. Hmm, not in the study. However, there's quite a bit of mail on the desk, which looks pretty cluttered. Here's something that looks interesting:
THE TOWER OF BLACK MAGICK
Editor: Valerie "Dawnraven" Clarkston
Dear Mr. Greetles:
Thank you for your submission to "The Tower of Black Magick", the number one unofficial site for Raistlin fan fiction. We are pleased to print your offering in our next issue! Please correct the enclosed author proofs ASAP.
Yours in Krynn,
Dawnraven.
"THE BLUE DRAGON'S REVENGE"
by R. Greetles, aka Fizbane666@aol.com
"Apprentice! It is ready. Bring the drake's blood."
The voice hissing in his pointed ears, Dalamar regarded his master coolly with his dark elf's eyes. He often wondered what the golden hourglasses saw his own fate to be. 'Does my master suspect my machinations?' he wondered to himself. 'That someday I shall surpass even him, the Past and Present archmage, in mastery over the Black Arts?'. The drow picked up the chalice lightly in his left hand and stalked proudly into his master's chamber...
Interesting. Okay, here's some more mail:
MR. ROLAND GRATES! YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!
The Greyhelm Clearing House Contest of Champions! Just scratch one box for each magazine subscription...
Ugh. And another piece:
From the quill of Shettin, servant of Grisbane
Dear Mr. Greetles,
I am pleased to continue our correspondence re: the duality of symbols in the Grisbane mythos. Your question regarding passage 44:13, for example, displays such erudition that I am constantly finding myself surprised that I am not in long discussion with one of the high priests of our temple! I hope this letter finds you in good health and prepared to 'bunker down' for the night, as my answer will undoubly not be a short one.
Etc...
Well, Greetles it seems has sure been busy. Here's some more mail:
JUGS! The Rude and Raunchy Sisters of Issac!
Dear Mr. Half-elven,
We regret to inform you that your subscription to JUGS! cannot be fulfilled as the credit card information you have provided seems incorrect...
Hmm. And finally:
Grito Home-and-Farmowner's Association
To Whom It May Concern:
We regret to inform you that certain paperwork regarding the property at 3 Farm Lane, so-called "Shady Orchards", is not in order. Our accounting office indicates that, as current claimant to said address, you have defaulted on several months property tax, including the initial fee required for inheritance of said property.
You owe: 10,000 gp, payable to the city of Grito.
Thanks,
The Grito Home-and-Farmowner's Association
...
Uh-oh. Right as you're reading that one, Greetles comes in. He's dressed in dungarees, a little vest, and a smoking jacket. He frowns when he sees you reading the letter, and cleans his glasses on a little handkerchief.
"Hi guys. Uh, yeah. They're trying to foreclose on us I guess. I don't really get it. I was about to write you and give you the news. Um. Welcome home, um, make yourselves at home. Did you have some nice adventures?"
You put down your stuff, maybe get a bite to eat, and fill Greetles in. Asking more about Grito, though, it becomes more and more apparent that 'lawn darts and R&R' ain't on the menu for our brave adventueres.
"Uh, right, so we've lost a couple zombies. The other ones are keeping their spirits up, but there's been like a wolf or something? It comes at night and eats zombies. I don't know why the zombies don't just kill it, but they don't. You can hear it howling sometimes too, it's pretty scary."
"Oh yeah, and there are two other pieces of mail that I was putting in this package for you. Let me get them." Greetles gets off his chair and rummages around under his desk. "Here you go. Both these things also just arrived."
The first is a plain brown-paper wrapped book. Opening it up, you find that it's an advance copy of "No Gods Allowed". Huh.
The second is another formal letter from the court of Greyhelm or a lawyer or something:
Dear Mr. Brogg, Mr. Cinder, Mr. Dave, Mr. Marivhon, and Mr. Zombie. This letter is to inform you that you are to appear in the 3rd district Greyhelm civil court on August 30 for a hearing regarding your assault of one Mr. Gregory Vrill. You will hearby be issued a restraining order not allowing you to come within 100 meters of Mr. Vrill, with the exception of court appearances. Failure to appear in court on this date will result in possibly fine or imprisonment.
Best regards,
Mr. Willowby Caruthers
Caruthers and Sons Legal Council
Well, you've already missed the court date. Thoughts?
Brogg:
Look, I think that the whole Monk's of Progress thing was a bit tough on the party. Obviously Dave, Fist of Odin has some thinking to do, Marivhon is just plain strung-out, and Cinder, well, Cinder has been a bit slow. Maybe he has a worm in his brain or something.
I think that it is time for a vacation.
We pack up and head to Grito. It is time to pay Shady Orchards a visit. I am thinking that we have a barbecue, drink some beers, and play some lawn darts.
I am not taking no for an answer, boys. It's time for some R&R.
I think that it is time for a vacation.
We pack up and head to Grito. It is time to pay Shady Orchards a visit. I am thinking that we have a barbecue, drink some beers, and play some lawn darts.
I am not taking no for an answer, boys. It's time for some R&R.
Dave, Fist of Odin
The next move? Well, I've got some stuff to think about. Who I am as Dave, Fist of Odin - what it means to be Odin's Fist, what my goals are; that sort of thing. I figure it'll take me about a week. Count me out for a few days, fellas.
8.30.2005
Back In Durth, Part II
Things change. When the word gets out that the MoPs have Grunna, people freak out. Sure, you might think that the clerics of Odin would go flamestriking up the mountain to get back the Valkyrie, but... nope.
Father Lars, High Priest of Odin: "So, what you're telling me is that these guys basically disbelieved in your priest spell."
Dave: "That's what I'm telling you."
The priests of Odin all look around at each other.
Lars: "You mean, they just have really good saves."
Dave: "No, I'm telling you that even before they rolled their saves, they got like a bogus fucking WI check to have the spell have no effect at all. And then they got to make a save."
Lars: "Uh..."
(A priest gets up and takes down the new poster of Odin hanging on the wall that reads: 'ODIN is... The Violator! Have YOU paid your 50% tithe today, mortal?')
So you can count the clerics out.
The word spreads. Pretty soon, avatars and oracles throughout the Durth mountains close up shop. Brogg, within days you hear that the Oracle of Gryss has gone into hiding, and no one knows where he is.
The wave of media attention makes Mysterious X and Primus rush their book into publication. Before long, you can see one of those big cardboard cutouts at participating Durth Barnes and Nobles of Mysterious, waving and grinning. Yeah, there's a big pearly white grin shining out from within the cloak hood. The book is called "No Gods Allowed: How You Can Learn to Live and Love Without Divine Intervention", and it's bound to be a hit.
...
So there you have it, for better or for worse, a conclusion to "C2: Against the Grand Master of Flowers!" I'm not going to tell you the title of the next module as it sort of spoils the surprise; you'll hear it later. Anyway, no need to train, what's the next move, brave adventurers?
Father Lars, High Priest of Odin: "So, what you're telling me is that these guys basically disbelieved in your priest spell."
Dave: "That's what I'm telling you."
The priests of Odin all look around at each other.
Lars: "You mean, they just have really good saves."
Dave: "No, I'm telling you that even before they rolled their saves, they got like a bogus fucking WI check to have the spell have no effect at all. And then they got to make a save."
Lars: "Uh..."
(A priest gets up and takes down the new poster of Odin hanging on the wall that reads: 'ODIN is... The Violator! Have YOU paid your 50% tithe today, mortal?')
So you can count the clerics out.
The word spreads. Pretty soon, avatars and oracles throughout the Durth mountains close up shop. Brogg, within days you hear that the Oracle of Gryss has gone into hiding, and no one knows where he is.
The wave of media attention makes Mysterious X and Primus rush their book into publication. Before long, you can see one of those big cardboard cutouts at participating Durth Barnes and Nobles of Mysterious, waving and grinning. Yeah, there's a big pearly white grin shining out from within the cloak hood. The book is called "No Gods Allowed: How You Can Learn to Live and Love Without Divine Intervention", and it's bound to be a hit.
...
So there you have it, for better or for worse, a conclusion to "C2: Against the Grand Master of Flowers!" I'm not going to tell you the title of the next module as it sort of spoils the surprise; you'll hear it later. Anyway, no need to train, what's the next move, brave adventurers?
Back In Durth, Part I
Okay, there it is.
Marivhon, Mysterious X considers your words, and silently nods. He is about to remove his hood when Brogg flame-ons Dave. Dave screams, falls over, and Brogg 'bandages' him. Not sure how you bandage a guy with 2nd degree burns, exactly.
A whole bunch of other monks and modrons are crowding the stairs, gawking at the scene. Dave is a big guy, and he's in plate mail, so you can't really just heft him up and there you go. It takes all of you, strenuously lifting, to get Dave up and out. The Mysterious X simply says: "Shi, why don't you escort these gentlemen to the secret elevator, and make sure they get to Durth safely."
Shi grunts and says: "Follow me." 5 says "See ya Jukka. Here, take some for the road," and hands the Fire Master the rest of the pack of smokes.
Shi leads you all through the monastary basement, down a few corridors and another flight of stairs. It takes about 30 min, but then you finally get to a dank service elevator. The doors open, you go in, and down you go.
The elevator ride is long, but at least you get a break from hefting Dave. It's sort of awkward, everyone just looking up at the numbers, although there's not much to watch. There's only a "G" and a "B", and you started at "B". A soft, easy-listening remix of Tony and Larry's previous MOP release plays above.
Finally, you descend, the elevator doors open to a small shrine at the foot of the mountain. You pick up Dave and begin to heft him down a road. What should take a few hours takes all day, but finally, you make it back to town. Exhausted, you get a room at an inn on the outskirts, suitably enough called "The Outskirts Inne" and rest up.
Okay everyone, good job. Regardless of what the Grand Master of Flowers said, I'll award each of you 600 xp. Unfortunately, that doesn't level anyone. By my records, Brogg needs a little over 1000 xp (before /2 for multiclassing) to get 4th Cleric, while Dave needs more than 2000 xp for 5th Cleric. Brogg needs 3000 xp gross for 4th Fighter. Cinder and Mike need a whopping 9000 xp for 6th Thief. Finally, Marivhon needs about 400 xp for 2nd Monk. FYI.
You heal up, rest up, and Dave makes his report.
Marivhon, Mysterious X considers your words, and silently nods. He is about to remove his hood when Brogg flame-ons Dave. Dave screams, falls over, and Brogg 'bandages' him. Not sure how you bandage a guy with 2nd degree burns, exactly.
A whole bunch of other monks and modrons are crowding the stairs, gawking at the scene. Dave is a big guy, and he's in plate mail, so you can't really just heft him up and there you go. It takes all of you, strenuously lifting, to get Dave up and out. The Mysterious X simply says: "Shi, why don't you escort these gentlemen to the secret elevator, and make sure they get to Durth safely."
Shi grunts and says: "Follow me." 5 says "See ya Jukka. Here, take some for the road," and hands the Fire Master the rest of the pack of smokes.
Shi leads you all through the monastary basement, down a few corridors and another flight of stairs. It takes about 30 min, but then you finally get to a dank service elevator. The doors open, you go in, and down you go.
The elevator ride is long, but at least you get a break from hefting Dave. It's sort of awkward, everyone just looking up at the numbers, although there's not much to watch. There's only a "G" and a "B", and you started at "B". A soft, easy-listening remix of Tony and Larry's previous MOP release plays above.
Finally, you descend, the elevator doors open to a small shrine at the foot of the mountain. You pick up Dave and begin to heft him down a road. What should take a few hours takes all day, but finally, you make it back to town. Exhausted, you get a room at an inn on the outskirts, suitably enough called "The Outskirts Inne" and rest up.
Okay everyone, good job. Regardless of what the Grand Master of Flowers said, I'll award each of you 600 xp. Unfortunately, that doesn't level anyone. By my records, Brogg needs a little over 1000 xp (before /2 for multiclassing) to get 4th Cleric, while Dave needs more than 2000 xp for 5th Cleric. Brogg needs 3000 xp gross for 4th Fighter. Cinder and Mike need a whopping 9000 xp for 6th Thief. Finally, Marivhon needs about 400 xp for 2nd Monk. FYI.
You heal up, rest up, and Dave makes his report.
8.29.2005
ttd_sign_your_name.mp3
5 nods slowly. "So there it is. Guess I owe you that 10 gp." 5 digs in his pocket for the coinage. "Don't spend it all in one place shooter."
Shi: "Mm. Thanks. But it's not over yet."
5: "Huh?! What you say! Look, are you blind? That one priest and that monk elf-guy, what was their plan? Suicide. The other priest's plan was to 1) wet pants 2) run away. The zombie's scratching his nuts the whole time. You can't really pull off great plays when you're at the 30 yard line, last down, 20 points in the hole. I'd say they did the best they could. Didn't see that fire breath thing coming, that's for sure."
Shi: "But that thief hasn't acted yet. He's got..." Shi thinks for a second "he's got two rounds. That's quite a bit of time, really."
5: "I call bullshit. Sin... Cyndre, is that his name? What's he gonna do, try for like the million dollar backstab? Won't work Shi. Come on."
Shi: "Mm, you're right. But still..."
5: "Not with the 'still' again. It's oh-va. Finito. Last call has come and gone."
Shi: "All I'm saying is that two rounds, a guy can do a lot. Did you hear the story of..."
5: "No, no I didn't. But did you hear the story of the Mysterious X? Who kicked everyone's ass regardless of how many rounds they got? I like that story because it's nice and short."
5 sighed. "Okay, look. Check it out, your boy Cyndar, let's take a look." 5 pulled out a sleek new Blackberry and waited for the wireless signal to kick in.
Shi: "Hey, nice. You got internet on that?"
5: "Shit, Jukka. I got... I got Quicktime, I got Winamp, listen..." 5 pressed some buttons, and the sweet sounds of Terrence Trent D'arby filled the bloody, smoke filled monk lounge.
"Let's just check the webpage here. 'Ed(Cinder)', this must be the guy. Ha, yeah, just as I thought. IQ 8, WI 9. Ooh, nine darts! Oh okay Shi, you got me! Check out his awesome Leather armor! Wait, don't tell me... it's: Cinder, with the... with the SAP... in the lounge!"
Shi frowned. "Yeah, okay. It's not... well, it might not be top shelf stuff." He took a smoke. "Still, two rounds..."
Shi: "Mm. Thanks. But it's not over yet."
5: "Huh?! What you say! Look, are you blind? That one priest and that monk elf-guy, what was their plan? Suicide. The other priest's plan was to 1) wet pants 2) run away. The zombie's scratching his nuts the whole time. You can't really pull off great plays when you're at the 30 yard line, last down, 20 points in the hole. I'd say they did the best they could. Didn't see that fire breath thing coming, that's for sure."
Shi: "But that thief hasn't acted yet. He's got..." Shi thinks for a second "he's got two rounds. That's quite a bit of time, really."
5: "I call bullshit. Sin... Cyndre, is that his name? What's he gonna do, try for like the million dollar backstab? Won't work Shi. Come on."
Shi: "Mm, you're right. But still..."
5: "Not with the 'still' again. It's oh-va. Finito. Last call has come and gone."
Shi: "All I'm saying is that two rounds, a guy can do a lot. Did you hear the story of..."
5: "No, no I didn't. But did you hear the story of the Mysterious X? Who kicked everyone's ass regardless of how many rounds they got? I like that story because it's nice and short."
5 sighed. "Okay, look. Check it out, your boy Cyndar, let's take a look." 5 pulled out a sleek new Blackberry and waited for the wireless signal to kick in.
Shi: "Hey, nice. You got internet on that?"
5: "Shit, Jukka. I got... I got Quicktime, I got Winamp, listen..." 5 pressed some buttons, and the sweet sounds of Terrence Trent D'arby filled the bloody, smoke filled monk lounge.
"Let's just check the webpage here. 'Ed(Cinder)', this must be the guy. Ha, yeah, just as I thought. IQ 8, WI 9. Ooh, nine darts! Oh okay Shi, you got me! Check out his awesome Leather armor! Wait, don't tell me... it's: Cinder, with the... with the SAP... in the lounge!"
Shi frowned. "Yeah, okay. It's not... well, it might not be top shelf stuff." He took a smoke. "Still, two rounds..."
Marivhon
Well, I guess I finish meditating and will follow our leader Brogg out of here.
Hrm. I do still wish I had a chance to see Mysterious X's face. I guess we all leave. Hrm.
I kiss Grunna goodbye.
"see ya soon sweet tits"
Hrm. I do still wish I had a chance to see Mysterious X's face. I guess we all leave. Hrm.
I kiss Grunna goodbye.
"see ya soon sweet tits"
Dave, Fist of Odin
Hmmm. Did we win? I dunno. Let me know when I come to - since I've just been burnt into unconciousness - and unless anything else comes up I'm partial to spacebarring until I make my report to the head of the temple, or whoever I'd let know that the GMoF has Grunna all up-fucked.
I'm not too angry with Brogg - I mean, sure, the fire and the burning and the pain and all, no one's saying that's GOOD, exactly. But when you run with Odin's crew it's really hard to tell when someone's angry, or celebrating, or worshiping - all three states could, at various times, be best described with a phrase that uses the words 'drunken', 'chaotic', and 'brawl'. Getting socked by your buddy's just part of how we hang. Getting fire-breathed is a little extreme, but I'm putting it in the same category.
I'm not too angry with Brogg - I mean, sure, the fire and the burning and the pain and all, no one's saying that's GOOD, exactly. But when you run with Odin's crew it's really hard to tell when someone's angry, or celebrating, or worshiping - all three states could, at various times, be best described with a phrase that uses the words 'drunken', 'chaotic', and 'brawl'. Getting socked by your buddy's just part of how we hang. Getting fire-breathed is a little extreme, but I'm putting it in the same category.
Brogg:
Yeah, a hit point check would be useful.
Well, I know one thing for sure: Dave, Fist of Odin is going to fight this guy. Being a priest, I know that he must, no matter what the cost. But, I can't stand to see my pal be chopped to bits without a chance. So, I drink my Potion of Fire Breath, and...
Torch Dave, Fist of Odin. 3d6 3:14 points of fire. From what I could tell, Dave was at 11. Now if by some chance he had more hit points and doesn't drop, I then must cold clock him too: BR:15 that hits AC:1, probably better with surprise. 9 points of damage, subdual.
Either way, I immediately bandage Dave, Fist of Odin after that.
I am so sorry, Dave, Fist of Odin, but I just couldn't let it go down like that. I hope that you will be able to forgive me someday.
Mysterious X, you are a real prick, a prick of enormous magnitude, perhaps the biggest prick that I shall ever meet. I pray to Grisbane your nuts fall off and your book is a flop.
Someday, we will meet again. And that day, Mysterious X, you will die. But for now, I will take you up on your offer of safe passage.
I carry Dave, Fist of Odin out of here.
So sorry, my friend.
Well, I know one thing for sure: Dave, Fist of Odin is going to fight this guy. Being a priest, I know that he must, no matter what the cost. But, I can't stand to see my pal be chopped to bits without a chance. So, I drink my Potion of Fire Breath, and...
Torch Dave, Fist of Odin. 3d6 3:14 points of fire. From what I could tell, Dave was at 11. Now if by some chance he had more hit points and doesn't drop, I then must cold clock him too: BR:15 that hits AC:1, probably better with surprise. 9 points of damage, subdual.
Either way, I immediately bandage Dave, Fist of Odin after that.
I am so sorry, Dave, Fist of Odin, but I just couldn't let it go down like that. I hope that you will be able to forgive me someday.
Mysterious X, you are a real prick, a prick of enormous magnitude, perhaps the biggest prick that I shall ever meet. I pray to Grisbane your nuts fall off and your book is a flop.
Someday, we will meet again. And that day, Mysterious X, you will die. But for now, I will take you up on your offer of safe passage.
I carry Dave, Fist of Odin out of here.
So sorry, my friend.
Marivhon
Ok.
I ask the GMoF as he is now called if he would agree to show himself to us if we are to fight. If he refuses I try some sort of rebutal about how if we are to fight and he wins then his secret will be safe and if we win we will unmask him anyway. I try to get him to see how he has no way to lose with this. I just would like to see the face of my killer if we are to fight.
I whisper to Dave. "This guy must be an enemy of you god to have gone this far could this be Loki?"
I sit and meditate on this problem....
I ask the GMoF as he is now called if he would agree to show himself to us if we are to fight. If he refuses I try some sort of rebutal about how if we are to fight and he wins then his secret will be safe and if we win we will unmask him anyway. I try to get him to see how he has no way to lose with this. I just would like to see the face of my killer if we are to fight.
I whisper to Dave. "This guy must be an enemy of you god to have gone this far could this be Loki?"
I sit and meditate on this problem....
8.28.2005
Mysterious X Is The Only Option On Your Dance Card Tonight
You can cut the tension with a d3 knife. It's the real thing here muchacos, the Grand Master of Flowers himself. You killed a lot of monks and... well, that's what you did. And now Big Boss is here just like if you were playing NES.
Brogg, your augury reveals this: "One of you will die each round you fight this awesome monk."
Dave, just trust me on this one, hp check ain't necessary at this point. This guy gets 4 attacks each round, each for 8d4. 13 hp, 17 hp, it's a little gratuitous.
And sorry, but Odin's not taking any d% calls today, he's got a killer hangover and is watching something on manta rays on the Discovery Channel.
Dave, Grunna is NOT knocked over. You really can't budge her. I mean, she was featured on www.brickshithouse.com several months ago, so forget about 'knocking her over'. She's totally unresponsive to anything you say or do, just lamely offering you some Nestea. Bad case of the retardation or something.
Mysterious X's cellphone rings. "Talk to me. Hey. Yeah, you know, just sorta, you know, pissing on some embers at the home front. We... Yeah, absolutely. The book thing is killer. Mm-hmm. Hey, now maybe isn't the greatest time for this, I'm a little 'b-to-the-izzay', if you... No, it's cool, it's fine, I'll just call you back when we're all done here. Cool. Yeah, ye.. Cool. Okay. Great. Okay, later."
Mysterious X smiles sort of sheepishly. "Sorry about that. There's always someone wanting a piece I guess. Right, so, whenever you're ready."
Brogg, your augury reveals this: "One of you will die each round you fight this awesome monk."
Dave, just trust me on this one, hp check ain't necessary at this point. This guy gets 4 attacks each round, each for 8d4. 13 hp, 17 hp, it's a little gratuitous.
And sorry, but Odin's not taking any d% calls today, he's got a killer hangover and is watching something on manta rays on the Discovery Channel.
Dave, Grunna is NOT knocked over. You really can't budge her. I mean, she was featured on www.brickshithouse.com several months ago, so forget about 'knocking her over'. She's totally unresponsive to anything you say or do, just lamely offering you some Nestea. Bad case of the retardation or something.
Mysterious X's cellphone rings. "Talk to me. Hey. Yeah, you know, just sorta, you know, pissing on some embers at the home front. We... Yeah, absolutely. The book thing is killer. Mm-hmm. Hey, now maybe isn't the greatest time for this, I'm a little 'b-to-the-izzay', if you... No, it's cool, it's fine, I'll just call you back when we're all done here. Cool. Yeah, ye.. Cool. Okay. Great. Okay, later."
Mysterious X smiles sort of sheepishly. "Sorry about that. There's always someone wanting a piece I guess. Right, so, whenever you're ready."
Dave, Fist of Odin
Hey Rob - hit point check?
Did I knock Grunna over? I'm right by her, right? I want to check her out. Take a few seconds and just get a sense of what's going on here. My spells right now are: cure light wounds (x3). But - if any course of action suggests itself, I'll take it. I want to channel Odin's Holy Might or something here - One way or another, I figure, I'm fighting the GMoF, and the only way I'm going to survive is if Grunna snaps out of it.
If nothing else: the GMoF is letting us prepare and cast spells and shit, right? I'm going to start whispering 'Odin . . . Odin . . . Odin . . . ODIN . . . ODIN!' getting louder and louder until I'm screaming in Grunna's face.
Did I knock Grunna over? I'm right by her, right? I want to check her out. Take a few seconds and just get a sense of what's going on here. My spells right now are: cure light wounds (x3). But - if any course of action suggests itself, I'll take it. I want to channel Odin's Holy Might or something here - One way or another, I figure, I'm fighting the GMoF, and the only way I'm going to survive is if Grunna snaps out of it.
If nothing else: the GMoF is letting us prepare and cast spells and shit, right? I'm going to start whispering 'Odin . . . Odin . . . Odin . . . ODIN . . . ODIN!' getting louder and louder until I'm screaming in Grunna's face.
Brogg:
Yes, I killed Don Katsu! I chop him up to bits! I step on his face, and just chop, chop, chop! I spit a bit on him too. Spit and chop! Spirit Fox this asshole! Chop, spit, chop. Yeah, Grisbane!
What's that? A gate?...
I listen to The Mysterious X intently.
Taking TMX up on his offer, I am going to cast a spell in preparation, before we begin. I cast Augury. According to the PH, this will tell me whether an action in the immediate future will be for the benefit of, or harmful to, the party. My Augury address this action: Choosing to fight The Mysterious X.
I turn to Grisbane.
What's that? A gate?...
I listen to The Mysterious X intently.
Taking TMX up on his offer, I am going to cast a spell in preparation, before we begin. I cast Augury. According to the PH, this will tell me whether an action in the immediate future will be for the benefit of, or harmful to, the party. My Augury address this action: Choosing to fight The Mysterious X.
I turn to Grisbane.
Oh Snap- You Know We Deep Old Skool When The Tuning Fork Come Out
Oh, sorry. Missed Brogg's 20 in there too. Uh, that's a fuckload of damage, enough to send DK on down.
It is done. Nice work team. You run Don Katsu through and through, slitting open his stomach, bathing the lounge floor in blood and intestinal fluid. Shi Jukka steadies himself, looking very alarmed, until he notices Don Katsu clutching something small in his right hand.
Hmm, it’s a small, well-made, tin tuning fork. Don Katsu, with his last, dying move, strikes it once, softly on the ground. A perfect middle ‘C’ rings out, growing louder and louder…
Those in the know, know what this means. The sound opens a gate! I could go through lots of flavor text, describing the glowing portal and stuff, but let me just cut through the crap and tell you: it opens a gate. Out steps a simple man, dressed in simple black clothes, wearing a billowing black cloak, with the hood pulled low so you can’t see his face!
He surveys the carnage in the room silently and regards the lot of you. No… it can’t be… but yes… it must be… this is: THE MYSTERIOUS X.
“Yes,” he says. “I am the Mysterious X. And you must be the ones making all this trouble in our monastery. Well, okay, here I am. Let’s finish this.”
He pauses for a second- is he serious? You’re not sure. He continues unfazed- “But first, there’s something I want you to understand. I am the Grand Master of Flowers. This means I am a 17th level monk. Regardez, s’il-vous plait.”
With that, he turns, just ever so slightly, almost imperceptibly, towards the middle of the room… and the mah-jongg table breaks instantly in half! The Mysterious X broke the table without even lifting a finger! And he did it speaking perfect French.
“I just want you to be fully cognizant of what you’d be getting into. My AC is –6, for what it’s worth. Quivering Palm, etc, I won’t bore you with the details. But here is my offer. If you want to fight, let’s fight. Let’s do this thing. But…
“I offer you one chance to walk away.” Mysterious X gestures out the door, up the stairs from whence you came. “But if you’d prefer, we can do battle. In the interest of fairness, I will turn my back and give you the opportunity to strike first. You may prepare as you wish. I sense some of you are priests. Cast what spells you will, if you think it useful, before we begin.”
“But I will not spare you, once we start. So instead, please, walk away. Leave our shrine in peace, with your lives, but without treasure. Without honor. Without xp.”
He lets those final words sink it. “You know what this means- you will have failed in your quest, and failed your god. But you will survive. In fact, I will send Shi Jukka out with you, to make sure you get back to Durth without encountering any wandering monsters on the road back home.”
Shi raises an eyebrow at this but remains silent.
“The choice is yours. Life or death, honor or dishonor, god or no. Mm.” Without another word then, Mysterious X turns his back on you and awaits your decision.
The little spherical modron 5 lights up another Primus.
5: “Damn, Shi! Ol’ dirty Mysterious is one intense guy!”
Shi: “Well, he is the Grand Master of Flowers, you know.”
5: “So what do you say… 10 gps say that those guys go for it! Of course, they’ll get their asses kicked so hard. You in?”
Shi: “Well, 5 my friend, you know I’m not the gambling sort. But… damn. ‘Fight the GMF, or walk away without xp.’” Shi considers this, shaking his head.
5: “Totally a lose-lose situation.”
Shi: “Yeah. Mysterious X is very powerful. Still…”
5: “’Still’? Still, what? What do you mean, ‘still…’?”
Shi: “Huh? Oh nothing.”
5: “Don’t give me that oh nothing bullshit. You said ‘still’. I’m a goddamn modron, Jukka. You calling me a liar? I’m Lawful-frickin-Neutral.”
Shi: “Yeah, okay, fine. I said ‘still…’. But I’m always doubting everything, myself, reality, Mysterious X. It’s just… well, it’s just how it is.” Shi took another cigarette from 5, lit it, and continued. “You ever hear the story about the monk Laredo?”
5 groaned. “Oh please, not another monk story.”
Shi: “Look, if you want to know why I said what I said, you got to hear me out.”
5: “Fine. ‘Please, Initiate Jukka, impart unto me your wisdom. I entreat you to tell me the story of the monk Laredo.’”
Shi: “Okay. So there was this monk named Laredo. One day, he left the shrine to fill the bucket with water from the stream. Upon filling it, he finds the bridge has collapsed and he cannot return to the shrine. Laredo thought to himself, ‘Hmm. I see that the bridge has collapsed. This is peculiar, because I recall the story of the monk Hirudo. Hirudo, an elderly monk, heads out of the shrine to fill the bucket with water from the stream. Upon filling it, he finds the bridge has collapsed and he cannot return to the shrine. Hirudo walked a ways down the stream until he found a dead turtle laying in the river. Using the turtle's shell as a stepping stone, Hirudo crossed the river and made his way back to the shrine. Perhaps if I sit by the river, a solution will occur to me.’ Laredo sat by the river for many days, in quiet contemplation. Sure enough, after four days, a large turtle walked up to him. The turtle said: ‘Hello good monk. I see you are waiting by the river.’ Laredo said: ‘Good day to you, turtle-san. Yes, I have come to the river to fill my bucket, but the bridge has collapsed.’ The turtle thought about this for a moment and said: ‘Perhaps I can…’ and at that moment, Laredo was enlightened. Before the old tortoise could utter another word, Laredo grabbed its head, twisted hard, and snapped its neck. The turtle convulsed a few times and fell over dead. Laredo then threw it in the river, and used it as a stepping stone, and returned to the shrine.”
The little modron’s jaw dropped in amazement, and the cigarette fell out of his mouth. He stared at Shi, stunned, for a second. He then picked his cigarette back up, took a drag.
5: “That’s a really fucked up story. Uh… what’s the, you know… is there like a moral or something? Is that some kind of analogy?”
Shi shrugged. “Actually, I’m not sure what it has to do with anything, now that I think about it. Just seemed sort of appropriate.”
5: “Anyway.”
Shi: “Right.”
5: “Well, 10 gp still says the boys fight, and the boys die.”
Shi considered it. “Okay, you’re on.”
The monk and his modron pal went silent, and turned to watch… the conclusion of C2: Against the Grand Master of Flowers!
(Please guys, be careful. He broke that table without lifting a finger. We ain't fucking around right about now.)
5 Still Can’t Believe No One’s Boning That Valkyrie
Dave, Cause Light Wounds has no effect on Grunna. Either she's way too butch for a measely 1d8 to matter, or Odin cock-blocked his own spell, or the magic shackles did some magic. You try bashing it with your mace, but the magical metal is too tough for your non-magic mace to affect.
Marivhon, swing and a miss.
Brogg, critical fumble, too bad there brother. Don Katsu steps up to the plate and breaks a couple of your ribs: "Say He-ro to the Sun Orc-man! 6 hp of Greetings!"
Don Katsu waits a sec for Cinder to make a move before finishing off one of you.
5 shakes his head. “I still can’t believe no one’s boning that valkyrie!”
Marivhon, swing and a miss.
Brogg, critical fumble, too bad there brother. Don Katsu steps up to the plate and breaks a couple of your ribs: "Say He-ro to the Sun Orc-man! 6 hp of Greetings!"
Don Katsu waits a sec for Cinder to make a move before finishing off one of you.
5 shakes his head. “I still can’t believe no one’s boning that valkyrie!”
Brogg:
I knew that I was right not to attack that old bastard before his greatest move. I am thinking that I am at 11hp, then.
But enough is enough. I have a move for you, Don. It is called, "Ride the Broadsword." Here, let me show you how it works: BRs:1, 20. Oh my, the irony. Well, here's the 20: BR:6 That's 20 points of damage. I hope that the Don has used all of his "Fox Spirit Moves" for the day.
And dude, Marivhon, do you talk to your mother with that mouth?
But enough is enough. I have a move for you, Don. It is called, "Ride the Broadsword." Here, let me show you how it works: BRs:1, 20. Oh my, the irony. Well, here's the 20: BR:6 That's 20 points of damage. I hope that the Don has used all of his "Fox Spirit Moves" for the day.
And dude, Marivhon, do you talk to your mother with that mouth?
Dave, Fist of Odin
Marivohn - no apologies necessary. I wish I'd thought of that - my god likes ballsy priests.
Of course, the histories are full of Odin being hungover and just smiting the dude, too; Odin's kind of a . . . capricious god, let us say. Yes, my god is capricious, instead of a right bastard who does pretty much whatever the fuck he wants to do.
It's not blasphemy if it's the truth.
But that gives me an idea. I'm having no luck with Don Catfucker the monk here, so I'm going to try to get Grunna going. I'll get a good head of steam and bowl into her - just trying to push her over - and then I'm going to Cause Light Wounds on her ass. If that doesn't do anything, I'll wail on her manacles for a round or two. Clobbering is what Dave, Fist of Odin is best at, after all, and maybe the manacles have a dire hidden weakness to being clobbered.
Let me know if anything looks like it's working.
Of course, the histories are full of Odin being hungover and just smiting the dude, too; Odin's kind of a . . . capricious god, let us say. Yes, my god is capricious, instead of a right bastard who does pretty much whatever the fuck he wants to do.
It's not blasphemy if it's the truth.
But that gives me an idea. I'm having no luck with Don Catfucker the monk here, so I'm going to try to get Grunna going. I'll get a good head of steam and bowl into her - just trying to push her over - and then I'm going to Cause Light Wounds on her ass. If that doesn't do anything, I'll wail on her manacles for a round or two. Clobbering is what Dave, Fist of Odin is best at, after all, and maybe the manacles have a dire hidden weakness to being clobbered.
Let me know if anything looks like it's working.
