Dave, Fist of Odin
Hey all, I've got post 900! I'm-a gonna shoot for post 1000.
My question for the Oracle is this: "What can we do to keep the Monks of Progress from getting rid of our spells?" It's not the best-phrased question, I know, but Dave, Fist of Odin is certainly no thinker, and I just want to know how to fuck the monks up best, or keep them from fucking us up.
Dave, Fist of Odin
Well Marivohn, I don't know about Mr. X, but I do know a little something about the Rainbow connection. It's a way to explain why there are so many songs about, and what's on the other side of, rainbows. It's still rather poorly understood, but science feels sure that one day they'll find it; and it's a connection between the lovers, the dreamers, and you.
In addition, all of us are under it's spell; I know that it's probably magic; and even though I've heard it too many times to ignore it, I know that it's something that I'm supposed to be.
I know that's an incomplete explanation, but it's my understanding that's a summary of the research involved on the R.C. hypothesis to this date. I hope that helps.
My question is.....What is the real name of the individual known as the Mysterious X, who is leading the MoP, currently believed to be the Grand Master of Flowers? If I may as well, what exactly is the Rainbow connection that green muppet is singing about?
The Oracle shakes his head, and says "I'm not entirely convinced by the argument you give. However, your question may in fact serve as an airtight argument against solipsism. For why, if you were a solipsist, would you ever opt to be a low-level thief?" He spreads his hands and considers his rhetorical question.
"Okay, here are your prophecies:
Little hands and little feet creep slowly up at night
This one won't be won with magic or a fight
Look in the mirror, what do you see, and also, what is seen?
Not two but three, not here or there, but somewhere in-between.
Forged of iron, back from hate, and enmity long ago
Three cards turned up, the deck's been stacked, the jack of spades must go
Another card, unseen, revealed, up-sleeve and slit your wrist
Watch carefully when the bets are made for an unexpected twist."
The Oracle shakes his head again. "Well, those are pretty cryptic, huh? Good luck with those prophecies. Now, about you being a thief. Well, we've been talking a lot today about 'two roads', right? It's come up some in the prophecies, maybe directly, maybe indirectly. Plus there was that BS I gave Brogg about fungi and termites. As it turns out, oddly enough the same applies to you. Not, I mean not about about fungi and stuff..." He stops to think about this. "Yeah, I think that's not exactly the right analogy. But let's think about thieves. I mean, look at that guy over there. He can do everything you can, plus run fast, kung-fu, quivering palm if he lives long enough, all that, right?"
"Well, not exactly. There are a couple differences, and the secret to your future success, or really, future existence, is to understand exactly what those differences are. The best thieves, the ones that made the history books... who are they? Robber barons and assassins. I'll just cut through the crap and tell you. In fact, it might be a good idea for you to hit the books
. Read up about a very famous thief. I think you'll end up learning about another famous thief if you do that, and you can make your decision from there. And hey, look... those prophecies? Had a lot to do with unexpected shit coming out and getting you. So you might want to be extra careful."
The Oracle goes and sits back down, turns on the TV. More puppet show.
Oracle> "Cinder: what... is a strong argument against solipsism?"
Cinder pulls out his laptop and hops on the net to grab the Wikipedia definition:
(from the Latin ipse = "self" and solus = "alone") is the epistemological belief that one's self is the only thing that can be known with certainty and verified (sometimes called egoism). Solipsism is also commonly understood to encompass the metaphysical belief that only one's self exists, and that "existence" just means being a part of one's own mental states — all objects, people, etc, that one experiences are merely parts of one's own mind.
Even if something exists, nothing can be known about it
Even if something could be known about it, knowledge about it can't be communicated to others
Cinder pauses a moment then answers:
"You are Oracle. You are the strongest argument against it."
Now my question:
"I'm a thief. How can I not suck so bad?"
Dave, Fist of Odin
Hey Brogg - no worries. Allowing a healthy debate on the issues is part of why we priests from such divergent faiths can remain companions.
And if you're gay, I don't care one way or the other. I mean, if you want to talk about it, cool - but I'm not really much of a thinker, you know? I will say that sometimes, in my most private heart of hearts, I am a pretty ballerina - and let's just leave it at that.
And hey gang - I don't quite know what my question should be. I mean, a week ago, it would have been 'where can I get a magical mace?', but now I got one. So - how do we gank Vrill? How do we overcome that MoP shit where our spells fail? What number am I thinking of? I dunno.
Please note - I'm NOT asking the Oracle any of this. I'm stepping outside to talk to some of the smarter people I hang out with.
Oh! Here's a Question! What questions should Marivohn and Cinder ask? Whaddya think?
Brogg's And Mike's Prophecies
The Oracle scratches his chin at your reply. “Well, that’s a very… I guess a very progressive answer. But what about a mighty king and beautiful queen having a retarded baby? What about the last robot on earth? I think those are very sad things.” He nods thoughtfully considering these sad things.
“Anyway, here you go:
Half and half make more than whole
Two halves make two when you’re a troll
Two roads both lead to half’s demise
You cannot win in Grisbane’s eyes.
Wings do beat within a heart
Once dead now dead from end to start
To break the ice and shatter steel
Dead hands must learn a flower’s feel.”
The Oracle seems taken aback. He looks at you, confused, then says: “Well, uh… you know, maybe ‘not winning in Grisbane’s eyes’ is like a metaphor for something else? I don’t really… I mean, it’s not like, well… well just be careful out there son.”
“The Monks of Progress, huh? I ask you this… how can you destroy progress? If the saddest thing is lack of purpose, well, then aren’t the Monks accomplishing something not-so-sad, maybe, after all? I’ll tell you this much though. Some things are like fungus, other things like termites. Both undermine foundations and lead to rot. But you gotta take different approaches with both. So I’ll leave you with this, ahem, mystery
. Are the MoP more like fungus or more like termites? Solve the mystery
and you’ll be close to the answer.” The Oracle gives you a strange smile.
“A prophecy for your zombie pal who isn’t here, huh? Well, the thing is, without answering my question, I can’t really get a good feel for your zombie’s road through life. But just between you and me, as a favor, I’ll throw one in there for you. In return, you have to promise me- all of you, now- that you won’t reveal my location to the rest of the Grisbane church. Anyway, here’s a nice zombie-centric prophecy:The Lady Zelba has her pick
Lord Orcus’s guy’s a real dick
But something else stirs within the deadlands new
Nemesis, vengeance, your enemy true.
What do you think about that? That’s a pretty good undead type of prophecy. Don’t really hear much about Orcus these days anymore.”
Dave FoO's Prophecy
The Oracle looks closely at your fist. “Hmm. Yes. Yes, I can see why you would think that. But did you consider this?” He extends his hand, and gives you a thumbs-down. “Or what about this, hmm?” He then makes an ‘O’ with his thumb and index finger. He looks at you quizzically.
“Okay, here are a couple prophecies for you:Hard to serve a god but yet
Harder still to disobey
To save a thing, destroy it
Lest ye be destroyed, m’kay?
Things erratic, things congealed
Time has passed, and time revealed
Look for an ape when you’ve run out of time
And seek a strange ally in the green slime.
Well, maybe those were a little more straightforward than the prophecies for your monk friend. Then again, prophecies are never really as straightforward as they seem, you know? And, uh, did you have a question?”
Well, Oracle, I would say that the saddest thing
is a lack of purpose.
And, here's my question: How do I destroy the Monk's of Progress?
Oh, and by the way, can I get a spare Prophecy for Mike the Zombie 1k? He would have loved to be here, and I really would hate to tell him that he missed out on getting a Prophecy.
If it's cool, I'll write it down for him.
Oh BTW, Dave, Fist of Odin. I know that you are cool. You know, I just didn't want us to come off as insensitive. I mean, not that I am gay or anything... I mean not that it would be bad if I was... uh, you know what I mean.
Dave, Fist of Odin
I look the Oracle right in the eye, move in a little too close, and hold up my fist.
If nothing else, I oppose!
The Oracle leans over, straining to hear you. He nods along with the jokes, then considers the punchlines.
"Hmm. Heh. Heh heh. A HA HA! That's a good one." He raises his bottle of Fresca to you in toast.
"But have you heard this one? It goes
"I love that one. Gets me every time. Okay, here are a couple prophecies for you. (Ahem.)The flame of rage and vengeance, the chilling of the soulThe depths and limits, far away, a bell begins to tollYou'll seek a man and find a grave that will become your ownInstead of mercy, ruthlessness; instead of flesh, just bone.Sixteen faces, staring, waiting, watching what you'll doFifteen of them are masks of lies with only one but trueFourteen months have come and gone and faces waiting stillThirteen corpses carve your hangman's name, simply saying 'Vrill'.
Hmm. Those were pretty morbid. I guess if you wanted prophecies about, I dunno, where to find a cold beer or about a unicorn or something, well... huh. I guess you wouldn't need a prophey then. That's the way it goes kid.
Did you have a question for me?"
Lets say it goes something like this...
Marivhon:I don't know I'm only a 2nd level monk, you're the fucking Oracle.
Marivhon:Exactly pleasure to meet you, now open up the door dear fellow. The Daleks are right behind me.
The Oracle Of Gryss
Crystal G explodes.
He had some more stuff to say, but the onslaught of quality rhymes shut him up and shattered his crystal body. Plus, the whole creepy Teddy Ruxpin thing. Ruxpin's actually got a few rounds left in him, but his tape runs out, and he just sits there, mechanical eyes moving back and forth, mechanical lips opening and closing wordlessly, before finally disappearing to the Land of Grundo.
You are now free to explore the other cottages.
Returning to the original plan, you head over to cottage one and knock on the door. There's no immediate answer, but you think you hear something from inside. Readying your weapons, you quickly swing the door open, revealing...
...a half-orc watching TV.
He's sitting in a crystal chair, watching what looks like a puppet show on the telly. "Hey," he says, not looking at you, still focused on the screen. You turn and look as well- it seems as though he's watching two giant, larger-than-man-sized wooden marionettes slugging away at each other; brown wooden constructs against a black curtain. The reception's not so great, and static keeps interrupting the picture.
After an uncomfortably long minute, you start to talk, and he reaches over, turning off the TV.
"I've been expecting you. Come on in, have a seat. Fresca?" The half-orc offers you a Fresca from a small cooler by the TV table. You enter the guest cottage and get a better look at this guy.
He's wearing Birkenstocks, somewhat dingy sweatpants, and a large sweatshirt that reads: 'THE DMC... We rock!'
A somewhat comforting sight from home.
"Yeah, I'm the Oracle. Oracle of Gryss. Welcome to my new pad. It's not much, but it suits me. I know you guys have been looking for me, but situations being as they are, maybe you can see why I'd prefer to hang out here. Plus, there's that other guy, the crystal rapper or whoever, who brings me these Frescas, so it's alright."
"Oh, you killed him, huh? Well, hmm." Pause. "More Fresca for me I guess." He takes a sip of his soda.
"Here's the thing. Back home, it's pretty bad. You guys need to get back there fairly soon I'd guess; got some stuff to do. I've got another one of those mirror jobbies, over in the next cottage. There's some more of that oil too so you can use it. If you have some stuff to do in this place, go ahead, because the mirror is sort of a one-way thing. You won't be coming back here anytime soon. But I wouldn't dick around here too long right now. Whatever you do, I'd advise against heading back into that first house; sort of a doozy, and I don't have enough oil on me to get you back out. And no, I won't be coming back to Greyhelm with you. It's quiet here. Suits me." Sip.
"I'm sure you have some questions, and for that, well, you came to the right guy!" The Oracle grins. "Since you've gone to a lot of trouble here, tell you what. Usually it's either a, prophecy, or b, answer question, but in your case- for each of you, even- I'll answer one question, and give you two prophecies. Of course, however..." He looks at you now with a serious look. "Of course, one of the prophecies may be right
"...and one of the prophecies may be wrong
"But before I'll do any of that, here's the catch. You
each first have to answer one of my
questions! Ha ha!"
"Here we go."
"Brogg: what... is the saddest thing?
"Cinder: what... is a strong argument against solipsism?
"Dave, Fist of Odin: what... is the opposite of THIS!
" (He holds up his index finger.)
"And Marivhon: what... is the best knock-knock joke
Cinder wipes a bit of blood off his lip, pauses, then looks back at Brogg, Marivhon, and Dave FoO.
"AAAAWWWWWWWWWW SHHITTTTTT!"Jump up! jump up!
There's a freak in tha room!
Get back, get back
Cause he bringin your doom
Chriss-G gonna sink
Cause his plate's got a chink
It's the verb that ya heard
An the truth that I speak
Well let me introdce myself as Cin-dah!
Bustin sucka MCs like a plate glass winda
You've hearda my rhymes
You know I ain't jive
Now my words are a weapon and you know they +5
Because all round the realm, G, you know it's the same
Adventurers quest with a sword and a dream
Fightin dragons to gain
All the loot in the cave
Find a fresh lookin case with some words on a page
So give it to mage
Says "This shit ray-dee-ates"
No shit muthafucker that's my new CD-case
So they put they swords down
And they turn it up loud
And they freak and they crunk to the fortune they found
And they look all around
Cross the land town to town
And the never could find such a fresh fuckin sound
Ma, the words that I write sure be causin addictions
But before I go, I'ma make a prediction:
Defeated by me
Cut up into pieces and sold to Hipp-ies
Cinder then plugs his ears after he finishes his rhyme in order not to hear Crystal MC.
Hmm. BR 11 to hit for 3 pts.
Dave, Fist of Odin
Brogg, my good sir. Perhaps the discussion about the usage of 'gay' as a term of disrepect would be better handled in the tabletalk forum - but since you brought it up here, allow me to rebut:
Dave, Fist of Odin, does not discriminate against homosexuals. If you're messin', I be clobberin', is how I see it, regardless of orientation. Just being gay does not equal clobberability, of course, and if you look deep into my past one of my fellow priests of Odin when I was undergoing training and initiation was gay, and it made not one whet of difference as to his effectiveness as one of Odin's chosen. Karl, Ear of Odin, I believe - we have lost touch over the years, as people are wont to do.
However, this Crystal G being creates some rhyme schemes that involve "th' ladies", and more specifically 'our' ladies. Allow me to quote:
"And your lady? I boned."
"Sex your hens in their dens and I’ll do it agains".
Now, assuming that Crystal G is not a chicken-fucker, both of these lines - taken from different stanzas of different rap creations - are referring to Crystal G macking on our ladies. In order to rebut his prowess with women, and specifically with our women, I was inferring that perhaps Crystal G's taste did NOT run towards women, that, in fact, he preferred having sexual congress with men - and by implication he was a lying, fronting rapper not worth his mic. I believe the first part of my line: "If you had a dick you'd be seriously gay" backs me up on this issue - that Crystal G cannot, as he claims, be sexing our hens in their dens, since he does not have the requisite sexual organs to do so; and even if he did, he would be more inclined towards the ROOSTERS.
No judgement as to rooster vs. hen is implied, I think - the judgement is that
Crystal G, you all frontin
And you lie like a rug
You not chill you crazy illin'
Not a gangsta you a thug
You all claimin shit you doin
And I tell you Quit that Shit
You be sayin' that your game's on
And I say you ain't legit
A fine distinction, true, but an important one. I hope that clarifies my point. If I have offended anyone by my use of 'gay' in a derogatory sense, I was not meaning that 'gay equals bad'; I was referring to Crystal G as a liar. If this fellow was rapping about sexing US up, I would have chosen a different style, yo - but it was what it was.
Thank you for bringing this up; and for giving me the forum to rebut.
I'd also like to point out that my rap up here brings our side up to 8 raps. That's right: we have four times as much rappability as Crystal G. Mothafucka!
Instead of taking advantage of the stunned Crystal G, Brogg just sort of pauses and thinks about what Teddy Ruxpin just said.
Yo, yo check it,
T Rux, in da house, he's spittin' you trippin'
He's got mad love fo' tha homies
Whetha they bloods or be crippin'
But switch the tape and TR gets wacked
Fuck givin' hugs, Rux now a thug!
No mo' Aaron Neville, it's now Gansta rap
Now love's only true for Rux and his crew
You say "But Rux!", but he say "Who you?"
And soon you be sharin' the fate of the Dodo
Cause Rux gots a posse and you flyin' solo!
So you want to hang wit us Clerics and Thieves?
Tough luck holmes, no NPCs please.
But if you insistin' to stay on yo knees,
Then don't be a tease and blow Rux a breeze!
On an aside to Dave, Fist of Odin: Hey man, much respect, but could you watch that whole 'gay' thing in your rhymes? Some of my best friends are gay. You know, it just ain't right dishin on em like that. Cool.
Dave, Fist of Odin
Crystal G, you be illin.
And I be illin too.
'Inappropri'te Sexual Feelings'?
I think we're both blue.
Why we fighting?
You got skilz
Mine are madder it's true
But let's put that all behind us
And see what we can do . . .
It's a world of pain
And you're all ball of brightness
And you make it all plain
You just wanna be our homie
You just wanna have fun
But I got my mace and platemail
And I do what's get done
Odin blesses my fight
But you make me feel sorrow
For this Crystal G, a'ight?
So I'm putting down my mace
And I'm hangin up my shield
And now I'm just talkin'
'Bout some thoughts that been congealed
You're a bear with a heart
Let's all just be homies
Let's all just make a start
So I'm not done fighting
And I've got some stuff to do
But Crystal G - mad props to you
Can't we just make it through?
And while I'm rhymin, one lone tear rolls slowly down my face. That's right. Teddy R has made me feel some things that I thought - that I feared - I would never feel again. I look at C.G., and I feel - yes, I admit it - I feel camaraderie with this criggah. I'm not saying we're going to get some 40s and sit on the porch, shootin' the shit - I'm just saying I got mad respect for his skilz.
Now I kinda wish I'd brought in a polar bear.
Marivhon, okay, you dodge the Crystal G's audio onslaught. You are still up. Sadly, you miss.
Brogg and Dave FoO, nice work. The G takes a massive 16 hp damage this round from your lyricisim.
Just as he's about to retaliate, Dave FoO summons Teddy Ruxpin (see below). Oddly enough, as it turns out he might just be the best bear for the job, as Teddy begins to sing:The room is filled with silenceIt's quiet as can beAnd as you hold me tightI sense the love you share with meOutside the clouds may fill the skyOr stars may sparkle brightThe moon may shine upon the worldOr it may rain all nightBut in the silence of our roomEach thing will be alrightAs long as we're together hereAll through this lovely nightThis lovely night, this lovely nightThis lovely, lovely nightThis lovely nightYour heart is beating softlyI hardly dare to speakAnd as you hold me tightI feel your breath upon my cheekThe images of our daytimeSo quickly fade awayThe things that we have found to shareHave made a lovely dayA tremble rushes through meAs you hold me tightThere's nowhere I would rather beAll through this lovely nightThis lovely night, this lovely nightThis lovely, lovely nightThis lovely night
The Crystal G is stunned for the next round. You guys are probably stunned too, but not so badly that you can't act.
Frequency: Very rare
No. Appearing: 1
% In Lair: 100%
Treasure Type: Nil
# Attacks: 0
Special Abilities: Story time
Alignment: Neutral good
Psionic Ability: Nil
Teddy Ruxpin would just like to tell you a bedtime story.
In 1985, Teddy Ruxpin became an overnight sensation as parents and children embraced this lovable, animated storytelling bear with a wholesome, gentle nature. Through Teddy, children were indoctrinated to The World of Teddy Ruxpin, a magically imaginative place filled with Teddy's many friends and his many exciting adventures in the Land of Grundo.
Now, after nearly 20 years, Teddy Ruxpin is once again asking for a new generation of children, asking a simple question straight into the heart: "CAN YOU AND I BE FRIENDS?"
Today, Teddy's back with 21st century technology. To all foes, he emits a virulent stream of audio, inducing either Charm (25%), Confusion (25%), Rage (25%), or Inappropriate and Shameful Sexual Feelings (25%), with little to no parental supervision. And of course, Teddy's eyes and mouth move suggestively in perfect synch
with every story he tells and every song he sings. His songs make the Land of Grundo come alive for your enemies, as they embark on a journey with Teddy's friends: Grubby, Newton, Gimmick, Tweeg, LB, and more.
For more information, please visit www.teddyruxpin.com
Dave, Fist of Odin
I'm gonna beatbox behind my companions' raps. Let me know if that adds any bonuses.
I'm a gonna school you in a Detroit way
You be all frontin but I make the rhymz pay
Crystal G? More like fucknutz Z
If you had a dick you'd be seriously gay
Here's something you gotta respect
Seein you in pieces is what I expect
You get no play, the girlies say no way
And when you try the rhymin' - yo, we gotcha checked
You be nickels, I be hundred dollar bills
You aint got no game, and I got mad skilz
You gonna get wrecked when I cash my checks
And you just give boredom while I give the girlies thrills
So now I laid it down how it's gotta be
And I can tell you're jealous 'cuz, shit - you ain't me
You got the ills, your rhymin's worse than Vrill's
And I be mad chargin' when you're paying a fee
Yeah. Pheer my leet skilz, yo.
Hey - can we get a hit point check? Oh, and I roll a 12 for the bear-of-the-month. Let's see - that's . . .
Teddy Ruxspin. Shit. Well, hopefully someone put in an NWA tape or something. Did Teddy bring any game?
Brogg turns off his chainsaw.
What? Glass G still be braggin?
Wasn't my lady but yo granny you baggin'
Drops tha Depends and Glass starts to ball
Granny be 90 but she says "Is that all?"
Lyrics honed?! You gots skillz?!
Tha checks you be writin pay 1-900 bills!
Or maybe tha doctor if your palm be too sore
Begs tha Glass G, “Don’t be slappin’ no more!”
And just like your hand, yo lyrics be tired
Shit, Vanilla Ice would have your ass fired
Rhyme flight, delayed? You feelin’ great?
Only thing late is you to graduate!
Cause you just a fool, -musta skipped school
Missing tha day they done taught this rule:
Represent, rhyme, flaunt and that shit
But when Brogg starts steppin’ yo ass betta sit!
Brogg turns up his hands like, "What up, byatch?!"
Just a thought.
I made my save with a 12 vs Petrification which allows me to avoid area of effect damage....Maybe I am not so down? Maybe I do a totally rad windmill/helicopter and spin on my head, and avoid the damage? I have acrobatics...? ...and stuff. I attack. 7!
Power Word: Late Causes Fear No Save In All Males
Huzzah, another all-five-of-us-post day.
Dave FoO, okay I'll just tell you that the mace gives a +1 to hit and damage. Although you solidly whollop on the Crystal G, your blow has little effect and he just laughs it off. However, your rhymes on the other hand seem to take him aback... 4 hp!
Cinder, okay, you drink the potion. Not sure where you're getting the two weapons stats from in the 1E PH. There may be something on it in the 1E DMG though, I can't recall. Can someone please provide a citation?
You guys all miss, but Brogg, the G seems a bit troubled by your lyrics as well. 4 more hp in damage.
The G retaliates as only he can:Feeling? Great.
My armor? Plate.
Your lady? Late.
Skill checks? Made.
Got bills? They're paid.
Your rhyme flight? Delayed.
Your skills? Got owned.
All other MCs? Dethroned.
Because? My lyrics are honed.
And your lady? I boned.
Ouch, another 5 hp to everyone. This drops Marivhon.
Next round. Cinder, although you've got some nice rolls, your swords have no effect on the G. Dave FoO, you bring in a Bear Of The Month. Please roll a d12 to determine which month it happens to be on the bear plane. (Stats to be posted later tonight.)
1: Black bear
2: Brown bear
3: Panda bear
4: Grizzly bear
5: Sun bear
6: Koala bear
7: Care bear
9: Paddington bear
11: Polar bear
12: Teddy Ruxpin
OK 4 hp now, blood coming out of my ears. I attack! A 6!
next. I'm back motherfucker!
Mike Tyson? Shit.
Homie ain't biting me with dat glass jaw,
Lest ya wanna floss with dis magic chainsaw!
And Knowledge? Damn!
Glass G's got Rap fo' Dummies, and his Benz is on loan,
You best drop tha mic and go home, G-Rhinestone!
I fire the chainsaw up, and give it a swing. BR:5. Ugh.
2d12:21 rounds. No shit. Well, 20 left.
Ok. This guy is Crystal G, and he's even got his own rhymes. I'm gonna assume that qualifies him enough as an adventurer for that extra +1 to kick in on the longsword. And Cinder's gonna use one of the white short swords in his offhand. The penalty is -2/-4 per the Player's Handbook.
Round 1) BR:6 and 7. Cinder is just a sucka this round. But he does chug his potion of healing as well, giving him back 4 HPs.
Here are the next two rounds, onhand first:
Round 2) BR:19 and 18!!! That hits AC 0 and AC 4!
Damage = 5 and 5 for a total of 10.
Round 3) BR:8 and 19. The 19 hits AC 3, so Damage would = 6.
Cinder is gonna wear a piece of this guy on a chain around his neck once we kick his ass. Ghetto-fabulous all the way.
Dave, Fist of Odin
Hey - whoa! I don't have spells yet! I took that mace! I wanted to peek into the other 'rooms' before exploring anywhere!
Ah, well. Dave, Fist of Odin is nothing if not tolerant of those in the 'not clobberable' category, like the DM.
This guy, though - he's made out of crystal? Well, I have a BLUNT WEAPON, motherfucker, and you're about to see what kind of shattering there is to be had in the world.
BR 16, which hits AC 2, unless the mace gives bonuses.
Does the mace give bonuses? I'm just asking, 'cuz otherwise I'm gonna write 'unless the mace gives bonuses' every time.
Every Time! We'll start to get a little sick of it. Maybe it'd be better just to say.
Anyway. Damage? BR 4, so 6, unless the mace gives bonuses.
Next round I bring in the Bear Of The Month. I hope it's not a care bear.
Oh - and allow me . .. .
Well look at this motherfucker - he's all Crystal G
But he's gonna go down like 1 - 2 - 3
'Cuz I'm Dave Fist of Odin and it's plain to see
That (THWACK!) a straight Crystal Killa is what I be
Your move, sir!
Presenting The Crystal G
And now, we return to some familiar ground, in all likelihood utterly dispelling the mysteriousness of this place.
First off, well, the sword isn't like a Black and Decker chainsaw, exactly. It's not gas-powered. Like I said, you've got 2d12 rounds of power left in the sucker; there's a little dial that lets you know basically how many charges you have left. You can still use it as a +1 Broadsword (including -1 to hit until you learn) even when the chainsaw aspect isn't working.
The guest book doesn't seem to refer to cottage addresses, so you step outside into the courtyard space between the inn and the little shacks.
You're about to go up and knock on the first door, when the door of another cottage bursts open. Out steps a man. A short man. A short man made of crystal.
Remember the infamous Crystal Mage, people? That's what we've got going on here. Made of shiny, jagged crystal, an insect-like humanoid with four arms. Only this isn't the Crystal Mage, per se. It's the Crystal G.
He's got it all. Crystal puffie jacket. Crystal jambox. Crystal hat on backwards
. And he's clearly pissed. He's got surprise, and brings it as such:I’m the Crystal G from beyond, here to school you in rap
Don wanna hear your lame rhymes cause your rhymes is like crap
Slay Living sucka MCs is as easy as SNAP!
So lissen up freaks an ladies while the G work his trap
I hustle 5 Gs a show, you’re beggin twennies and tens
Droppin knowledge so fast you’ll wanna borrow some pens
Got friends, got a Benz, got the means to the ends
Sex your hens in their dens and I’ll do it agains
My raps hit ya so hard leave ya scarred in the yard
Like Mike Tyson Ear bitin Take a seat Take my card
Got surprise double damage I just chopped off ya nard
Win init Got a crit Double D’s get me hard
Oh and now you can see Apparently I’m Crys G
Hat on back I attack I just rolled a 20
Crystal rhymes resonate at a fresh freak-rencyYou want more? Then call me: D-I-A-M-O-N-D.
Oof, you all take 7 hp damage from his skills. Another combat begins...
Oh yes! Thank be to Grisbane!
Damn, I wish that Aaron Orcsides were here, that no-faith loser.
Alright, let's go back to the cabins, and knock at the doors. If the ledger refers to which cabin the Oracle signed into, we go there first.
Oh, BTW, does my chainsaw have fluid in it?
You enter the third land here, through the glass door.
The first thing you notice is the oppressive sun. While the metal wasteland had a dim gray light, here the light is blinding, radiant, and hot.
You are standing in the middle of a vast, empty plain. The land is completely, unnaturally flat and stretches towards the horizon in all directions. Faintly, all around can be seen what look like mountain peaks at the edge of vision.
Unlike the junklands, which were filled with an obscene amount of wrecked and decaying objects, there is nothing here. Only you, and the glass door standing free in its frame in the midst of the empty plain.
Fine particulate dust covers the land, and occasionally blows lazily into little twisters across the face of the plains. The ground itself seems oddly artificial, like one single stretch of pink marble.
Everything here is cast in shades of soft violet. The land itself seems to glow a pale pink or purple. The light from the blinding sky, the sky itself, is shaded hues of violet. High overhead is a massive sun. You can make out, halfway down the sky towards the earth, a pair of pale crescent moons, barely visible.
This is certainly not anywhere near Grito or Greyhelm, or anywhere else you've been that has the standard one moon.
A moment of despair passes, and your eyes adjust to the blinding light. It is uncomfortably hot here. You then spy, far off, something. It's unclear just what it is, but it's a bump on the otherwise completely level horizon. You set off to investigate this space.
You walk for what is probably an hour, maybe two, in the heat. You get close enough to distinguish forms ahead. Buildings. Or the remains of buildings, and perhaps other things. Now just chunks of glass, most white or transparent, others shades of violet or soft blues and reds. Nothing higher than a foot or two off the ground. Broken glass litters what may have once been a village. Even further ahead, you make out what seem like larger, still standing structures. You keep walking.
The sun does not abate, and does not move in the sky. After another twenty or thirty minutes you come to the remains of several buildings; a large cluster of small cabins to your right, and two larger buildings to your left. The buildings are all constructed of thick opaque glass or crystal. In fact, all material here is glass. Unlike the junklands, which had scraps of cloth or leather, pieces of glass, stone, and wood, here there is nothing but the same smooth glass. All is silent, with no sign or habitation or disturbance.
The two buildings on the left each have signs out front. On one, a flower is sketched. On the other, a gauntlet clutching three arrows or bolts of lightning. Each gives the appearance of a small office or store, but the doors are shut and you cannot see inside.
One of the buildings to the right seems larger and different than the others, and is marked with a placard depicting a simple cot. Perhaps this is, or was, an inn. There is no front door, just an opening, and looking inside reveals a counter with a large book on top of it, with a quill nearby. These objects are not of glass, but actually a book and golden quill. Another open door in the back opens back outside to where the smaller buildings are; these appear to be guest cabins, and there are five of them.
The book is open, and, assuming you investigate the inn, you can make out signatures scrawled onto the open page. At the top is printed letterhead, which reads simply:Sign our guestbook.
The top line contains two signatures in two different hands:Charles Xavier and Yng Furious Lotus
The next eight lines are taken up by an elaborate golden scrawl; it appears to be an intricate rune of some kind, but you can make out a couple capital letters, such as C and G.
The line below has the last signature:Oracle of Gryss, The
Wow, a Chainsaw! That's great. 2d12 rounds left, eh? I shake it, does it us a fuel, like a lamp? I am going to figure this thing out. I sure would like to meet Leuco with this bad boy...
Guys, unless anyone can think of a better idea, I say that we check out the crystal door.
Yeah, I open it with my crystal key and take a peek.
I guess the chainsaw might be considered a broadsword. Okay, spec bonuses apply, but you'll have a -1 penalty on top of everything when using this until you've dumped another weapon or even a nonweapon proficiency in Unwieldy Weapons.
After several minutes, you can figure out the mechanism for starting up the chain... there's a small pull chain and a primer that needs to be pushed. Because I really don't want to have to do the math myself, I'll just tell you that this is a +1 weapon, and the chainsaw aspect adds another +1d6 to damage. You've got 2d12 rounds left of chainsaw goodness.
Another day of searching turns up nothing... the junklands is full of stuff, but everything beyond what you've already found is destroyed beyond use. There is lots of glass, for instance, but nothing that isn't cracked and broken.
Huh. First off, I heard this chainsaw first described as a type of broadsword; I pick it up. Do I think that I can work with it? I have specialization in broadsword. Does it have an on/off switch? -I try to figure it out.
That's some good thinking, Cinder. You think that we should lure those moths to the dead girl? My guess is that we need something to fit in those grooves. I wonder if we can get that Blacksmith to do something for us.
I go back into the foundry, and have a real good look around. Here's Wis:2 and d6:6.
We still have the crystal and copper keys...
The glass flower from the crypt is the perfect size for the lantern. Once in place with the door shut, the random rotation of the shutters causes strange, almost ghostly white light to stream throughout the theatre. On a WI check, you'd notice that the mechanical moths seem slightly attracted towards the new light source, but still focus on the top of the theatre.
The light coin doesn't seem to fit anywhere, although it too would cause light to emit from the lantern, obviously.
You cannot find any glass panes that fit in the lantern grooves.
Panes of glass maybe for the grooves? Lamp oil for the vase? Or maybe a flower.
Cinder takes the glowing flower and vase from the woman's tomb and puts it in the lamp (first trying the flower in the vase that was there, then placing the flower with the woman's vase inside).
Cinder searches for panes of glass that would fit.
Cinder also tries to lure the moths by turning the lantern off and using the glowing flower to lure them, as well as a continual light coin. He also places the light coin in the lantern at some point.
The first thing to note is that it seems difficult to move the lantern without injuring the machinery. The lantern is quite large, and attached to the ground via a metal stand. Let me make it clear that this object, while it looks very much like an obscenely large and complicated lantern, does not shed any light.
The shutters themselves seem resistant to your moving them. They seem to move somewhat independently. The only things that seem operable to you are the off/on switch, and the small door that opens into the lantern interior.
Inside the small door, it looks like some things are missing. There are three grooved slots on a rotating platform, currently empty. There is also what looks like a small empty metal vase in the very middle of the interior.
Thus your efforts to manipulate the lantern and the moths, while commendable, currently come to naught.
Oh dude. Cinder has an idea that betrays his IQ on his character sheet.
Cinder heads over to the lantern with the various shutters, and picks it up. So the moths follow? If so, he brings them into the room with the girl. If not, he's gonna play with the shutters to maybe find a pattern that attracts the moths.
Okay, the axe and mace have been added to party treasure. Cinder, I didn't know you were wearing the gloves. But no, they don't seem to add anything to your thieving abilities or your ability to hit.
Marivhon is healed with his own healing potion for 5 hp and up. Cinder eats Marivhon's goodberry for 4 hp. Please remove those items from your character sheet, Marivhon. Everyone in the party is conscious.
Now that you mention it, the mechanical insects seem to be large moths (one foot wingspan). They flit around near the top of the theatre, completely silently. There is no obvious way to corral them.
Cinder runs over to the magic axe and mace and adds them to his character sheet. Haha, just kidding.
But Dave, Fist of Odin, you should be sure to write that mace down. You're all about it.
Cinder then gets the healing potion out of Marivhon's satchel and dumps it down his (Marivhon's) throat, but eats the goodberry in his pouch just to see what it tastes like.
"Mmph. Pretty Good."
Did those gloves feel like they, you know, 'helped out' at all during combat there? How about thieving? Cinder picks Brogg's pockets to find out. BR:52. Did that feel any different? How about a climb walls BR:70?
The script on the woman's panel mentions how she was gazing up at 3 moths/butterflies. Are the mechanical bugs in this world similar? Are there 3? Maybe lure them into this room, I dunno. Just a thought.
Between the augury and a couple detm's cast while wandering through the junkyards, okay, I'll let you in on something. You remember how you guys fought *two* guardians? And one of them wielded two swords, but the other one wielded an axe and a mace? Remember? Well the axe and the mace are both still lying there in front of the foundry, and sure enough, they radiate magic. I suppose you could just as well leave them where they are though.
Additionally, the glowing flower in the crypt radiates, as does the chainsaw and the entire glass coffin.
Dave, Fist of Odin
For some reason, blogspot is not showing my full profile. The list with "+1 intelligent platemail' goes on to describe my armor, and lists the Ring of Big Heals and all my potions. According to it, I've got 4 d8+1 potions and 2 d8+3 potions, two potions of curing, and a potion of levitate.
I futzed with the spacing, but it still only displays '+1 platemail' for my magic shit. Ah, well. Later I'll try moving the different items around to get everything to display.
I suppose it's moot, though, now that we've put this bad boy down. Over the course of the next four days, as we rest and heal, I'm gonna bust a couple more detects on the junkyard, and try to Augury or something, to ask Odin if he knows anything about any of the magic shit we got so far.
Are you there Odin? It's me, Dave (your fist, dude!)
I am a pink cloud, and I have a potion of healing in my satchel....
Okay, looking at Dave FoO's damage, you guys will finally take this thing down in R9, with the third hammer hit. But not before this guy saws into Dave FoO, for 21 pts over the next two rounds. That leaves Cinder and Dave FoO both up in single hps, and Brogg and Marivhon unconscious.
The hammer slams into this guy a final time, knocking the helm clean off. A jet of steam shrieks upwards from where the head used to be, and the chainsaw drops to the ground, followed by the armor itself. The warrior is no more.
I'll assume you explore the rest of the chapel, and then head back to the hall to rest up.
You have no idea what the warrior was building in the middle of the chapel. Some sort of tower, apparently, but its function escapes you.
Marivhon's gold key will unlock the gold door to the crypt beyond. It is certainly a crypt, as in the middle of the small room is a glass coffin. The glass is thick, and there is no obvious lid or opening. Laying on a glass platform within the huge coffin is a young woman, well preserved, but seemingly dead. It's obviously the girl in the drawing on the second page of the folio outside, and bears likeness to the girl on the music box and in the statues you've seen. She clutches a rose against her chest.
Above the coffin, mounted into the wall, leans a statue of a similar, but not identical, looking woman. The pose is not dissimilar from that of a woman leaning off a ship's prow. She is weeping, and holds her hands cupped together. There is a depression in her cupped hands where it looks like something used to be, but is no longer there.
Off to one side is the only other object in the room. There's a small glass pedestal, upon which is a small glass vase, within which is a small, delicate glass flower. The glass flower glows quite brightly, a strange off-white light that seems to change hue in a subtle manner.
In case you're wondering, no amount of damage will even scratch the coffin. There is no obvious way to open it, if that was your desire.
There it is.
Do what you like; at some point, you'll return to the hall and rest up. After about four cycles, everyone's healed to full and back with full spells. Next?
Brogg hurts him, but not enough. He's still up after taking 4 more hp. He then fells Brogg like an errant cherry tree. In all fairness, this guy is looking pretty bad.
Well, I have something to say in round six.
Shortsword attack! BR:18. Hell yeah! 4 more points of damage!
And, if I get a swing before going down in round seven, BR:6, which totally misses. Let's hope that 4hp does it.
Rewind And FFW
Okay, Dave FoO provides some healing.
Brogg, when we come into R6, you're not at 0, you're at 13 hp.
Cinder, you're out for R2,3,4, but up on R5 with 2 hp, so you have net one round of actions during R5, and go ahead and act during R6 as well.
Then another Spiritual Hammer appears in R5, and does 2 hp on R6. Dave FoO casts Dispel Magic on R6, so the chainsaw doesn't run amok this round.
R7, Dave FoO wants to give a potion to Marivhon, but I don't see any on Dave FoO's character sheet. At the end of R7, the chainsaw will knock Brogg back for 15 hp, dropping him to -2 hp.
That should do it for now. Can you guys finish this before the chainsaw hews you all apart?
Dave, Fist of Odin
Isn't Cinder up? I thought Brogg CLWed him.
Well, two CLWs on Brogg. BR 4 and 7, for 13hp.
A CLW on Cinder. BR5, for 6hp.
On round five of spirity the hammer, I cast another spirit hammer. I took a bunch. On new hammer's first round, I dispel on the chainsaw again, buying us a round.
Here's some BRs for Spirity The Hammer II: 15, 2, 16, 19, 9. That's 3 motherfuckin' hits!
Damage? 2 2 and 5. Ah, well.
Is Marivohn down? I'm out of CLWs, but I've got a couple of potions. I'm a little lost in the round-by-round, so Rob, if my flow isn't inline with what's going down, alter it as you see fit. My priorities are:
Bustin' this thing up with the spiritual hammer (and I'd like to get that overlap in there),
Healing Brogg, with the AC and the HP and the magic sword,
Healing Cinder, with the magic sword,
Healing Marivohn, with the ability to pull guys away if the tiktok man drops 'em.
Let me know.
Chainsaw Fight R5,R6
Dave FoO, there is an ancient tome, and Brogg consulted it in his post below. I'll quote:
"Spiritual Hammer has no bonuses to hit, but it can hit magical creatures, it counts as a +2 for such purposes for DFoO and I. It does 1d6 damage."
You don't need to concentrate on it, it just does it's thing while you are free to attend elsewhere.
Brogg misses, bandages Cinder, and then hits the warrior for another 7 in round 4.
Round 5, Brogg cures himself up to 11, and the Hammer hits for another 2 hp before returning to Valhalla. The warrior's looking pretty banged up at this point. Brogg, chainsawed for 11, putting you at 0 hp also.
It will now be round 6 of the combat, and Dave FoO is the only PC standing. The warrior turns to you Dave FoO. You have four rounds of catching up to do though, so do as you will.
Whoa. Ok, Brogg is 3 rounds behind.
On round 2, I am going to take another swing at Hammer Man. BR:11, a miss.
Round 3, I heal Cinder, who is at -4, BR:3. He's stable, but he is not ready to talk to the detectives...
Round 4, white sword again, BR:19! Yes! 7 points of damage! Thanks be to Grisb-Ooof! I take 20hps!
Ok, back to the present, I Cure Light myself, BR:8. Thank Grisbane. I am at 11.
Dave, Fist of Odin, maybe another Dispel Magic stun, huh?
Dave, Fist of Odin
If the Spirit Hammer does the same damage as a mace, that's a d6+1 base, so doubled gives 12 points. But I don't remember if a hammer does a d6+1, or a d8, or a d4+2, so it might be different. If only there was some sort of ancient tome we could consult.
Also, am I done for the round when I'm hammering, or can I do other stuff? Some of the other stuff I might want to do are pulling Cinder out of the fray, and giving him a healing potion.
Chainsaw Fight R2,R3,R4
We're moving faster here guys. Please try and post.
Marivhon, didn't realize you had the key. When the warrior realizes this, he turns to attack you on the second round. Your first round attack, being non-magical, does no damage.
Brogg, using the white sword, you hit the warrior. Just to make the bookkeeping easier, guys, the swords are +1 to hit and damage, so factor it in yourselves from now on.
Actually, on your critical fumble, he'll chainsaw you for 11, putting you right at 0.
On round 2, Cinder misses and the Hammer misses. The chainsaw warrior finishes off Cinder, hitting for 10, putting Cinder at -3 and dropping.
On round 3, the Hammer double damages for 10- Dave FoO, your bonuses do not stack onto the Spiritual Hammer. The guy has taken 22 now. Cinder drops to -4 if no one has done anything by now.
On round 4, Cinder will drop to -5, the Hammer misses, and the warrior turns on Brogg. Brogg, double damage, you take 20 hp, putting you down to only 3 hp as the warrior drives the chainsaw into your thigh.
That's enough for now.
Hey, uh sorry I got a little lost out here. Str 10 made it dex 14 made it Pick Pockets 77 missed and don't have it because I'm a monk. So maybe we can just say I have that key eh? I might not be so vocal for a while so...
BR to hit.
15 for 5 pts. non magical.
1 for a free attack
2 I guess I'm done.
If I have the key I give it to Brogg because I have a lot of thinking to do for the next few days. Be home soon.
Spiritual Hammer has no bonuses to hit, but it can hit magical creatures, it counts as a +2 for such purposes for DFoO and I. It does 1d6 damage.
I am going to swing with the white sword that Cinder gave me. BR:15, that hits AC:4 without any bonuses, considering my nonproficiency penalty. So, I am assuming that it is at least +1, and I hit. 4 points, plus any magical bonus, for damage.
Let's do it!