7.05.2005
Larry Checks It Out
Okay Brogg, you deface some of the DMC signs.
Five months later, Brigadeer Lt. Joves Kneerem calls Jenkins the guard into his office.
"Uh, ye... yes sir Brigadeer Lt. Kneerem. Jenkins reporting as requested sir."
"Jenkins. You've been with us, what, two years now?"
"It'll be two years come Christmas, sir."
"Hmm, I see. You a family man, Jenkins?" The Lieutenant raises an eyebrow and frowns at the words. Perhaps at some point in his life, Kneerem was a family man himself, until that fateful November evening...
"Uh, no sir. Not that I know of, at least, sir."
"Heh heh. I see. Well, you know who is a family man Jenkins?"
"Um, sir?"
"Answer the question Jenkins."
"Um, I guess, I guess lots of people are. My brother, his wife's, you know, expecting. And my parents, sir, I suppose..."
"Okay okay let's stop. I'll tell you who's a family man. Lord Gauntlet. Lord Everin Gauntlet is a family man. And I know this because he just came and told me himself, all about his sweet little family." The Lieutenant is beginning to get red in the face. Jenkins blanched at the name Gauntlet... the chief of the DMC himself! The Lieutenant continued his rant: "And our good Lord and provider was telling me about the family outing he just had into the South Caves. You know the South Caves, Jenkins?"
Jenkins began to sweat, not sure why. "Ye... yes... yessir," he stuttered. "It's, uh, it's where I'm stationed sir."
"That's almost right. It was where you were stationed. You a joker, Jenkins? You like a laugh or two?"
"Sir, well, who doesn't like to laugh?"
"Apparently our good Lord's wife and baby, and apparently our good Lord, and apparently not me. Do I look like I'm laughing Jenkins? Do I? Tell me if I'm laughing!"
"Sir no sir."
"Come here and take a look at this. Look at this sign."
In crude handwriting on an old DMC sign, the letters QX314 were crossed out, and written underneath was 4NIK8.
"Read the sign Jenkins."
"Four... four, enn..."
"Just read the goddamn sign!"
"Four... 'fornicate'? Wha?" Jenkins cracked a smile...
"Is that a smile I see on your smug little face Jenkins?! Is that a goddamn smile?"
"Sir no sir." Jenkins was emphatically not smiling.
"Because Lord Gauntlet's wife was not smiling either when she saw your goddamn joke on the goddamn sign."
"But... but I didn't..."
"I don't want EXCUSES Jenkins. I really don't want to hear your excuses. All I want is for you to go down there, clean off all the signs real good, and then report tomorrow for deep cave duty."
Jenkins gulped. The deep caves? They had a mortality rate of 50%. Jenkins heard a rumor that they had... special forces of some sort working deep duty.
"Sir yes sir."
"Don't let the door smack you on the ass Jenkins."
"Sir yes sir." Jenkins walked out.
The Lieutenant took a puff of his cigar and looked back down at the sign.
"Fornicate... heh heh... Deep cave duty. The sorry bastard."
Puff.
"Well, life's a bitch. Necro squad will get'em in the end I guess." The Lieutenant hung up the sign in his closet and went back to his paperwork.
Anyway, Brogg, you're bleeding and dropping and in a world of hurt from getting 'corned and hoof-stomped. Cinder, nice backstabbing. The unicorn is most definitely not an adventurer... and, just to take another small tangent here, so you guys are, Vrill is, Leuco is, piercer is not. Guards aren't. Bards are. But your brilliant backstab does the trick, and you shove the paladin's sword so far up the unicorn's ass that the intestinal ruptures kill the thing dead. There's sort of a horrible poetic logic or something there, with Brogg getting stabbed with a horn of gold, and the unicorn getting stabbed with a sword of gold. Brogg, I guess you gave your gold to Cinder, so there's a nice closed loop for you, and the gods are pleased. The unicorn, in short, dies.
Let's just say Dave heals you up to... 3 hp. Not too impressive, and that's with two Cure Lights. Anyway, Brogg, you cut off the unicorn's horn and the lot of you continue on your way. Hoping, still, that one of these passages leads somewhere interesting or useful.
Finally, after several more hours of travelling, the passages start to smooth out, becoming larger and more regular. A couple of places, you find continual light torches bracketed to the wall! Then, you come face to face with a couple of guards...
You all momentarily pause, and you're about to hail the guards in a friendly manner, when one of them says:
"Hey, what are you guys doing here... you're not allow... Wait a second! Where are you going with our zombie?!"
They draw crossbows and fire... Dave, miss, Cinder, hit! 6 hp!
The guards are a round away and reloading. Mike pulls out his crossbow, and one of the guards says: "Oh hell, why'd you give him that thing? Check it out Larry, the zombie's got a crossbow."
Five months later, Brigadeer Lt. Joves Kneerem calls Jenkins the guard into his office.
"Uh, ye... yes sir Brigadeer Lt. Kneerem. Jenkins reporting as requested sir."
"Jenkins. You've been with us, what, two years now?"
"It'll be two years come Christmas, sir."
"Hmm, I see. You a family man, Jenkins?" The Lieutenant raises an eyebrow and frowns at the words. Perhaps at some point in his life, Kneerem was a family man himself, until that fateful November evening...
"Uh, no sir. Not that I know of, at least, sir."
"Heh heh. I see. Well, you know who is a family man Jenkins?"
"Um, sir?"
"Answer the question Jenkins."
"Um, I guess, I guess lots of people are. My brother, his wife's, you know, expecting. And my parents, sir, I suppose..."
"Okay okay let's stop. I'll tell you who's a family man. Lord Gauntlet. Lord Everin Gauntlet is a family man. And I know this because he just came and told me himself, all about his sweet little family." The Lieutenant is beginning to get red in the face. Jenkins blanched at the name Gauntlet... the chief of the DMC himself! The Lieutenant continued his rant: "And our good Lord and provider was telling me about the family outing he just had into the South Caves. You know the South Caves, Jenkins?"
Jenkins began to sweat, not sure why. "Ye... yes... yessir," he stuttered. "It's, uh, it's where I'm stationed sir."
"That's almost right. It was where you were stationed. You a joker, Jenkins? You like a laugh or two?"
"Sir, well, who doesn't like to laugh?"
"Apparently our good Lord's wife and baby, and apparently our good Lord, and apparently not me. Do I look like I'm laughing Jenkins? Do I? Tell me if I'm laughing!"
"Sir no sir."
"Come here and take a look at this. Look at this sign."
In crude handwriting on an old DMC sign, the letters QX314 were crossed out, and written underneath was 4NIK8.
"Read the sign Jenkins."
"Four... four, enn..."
"Just read the goddamn sign!"
"Four... 'fornicate'? Wha?" Jenkins cracked a smile...
"Is that a smile I see on your smug little face Jenkins?! Is that a goddamn smile?"
"Sir no sir." Jenkins was emphatically not smiling.
"Because Lord Gauntlet's wife was not smiling either when she saw your goddamn joke on the goddamn sign."
"But... but I didn't..."
"I don't want EXCUSES Jenkins. I really don't want to hear your excuses. All I want is for you to go down there, clean off all the signs real good, and then report tomorrow for deep cave duty."
Jenkins gulped. The deep caves? They had a mortality rate of 50%. Jenkins heard a rumor that they had... special forces of some sort working deep duty.
"Sir yes sir."
"Don't let the door smack you on the ass Jenkins."
"Sir yes sir." Jenkins walked out.
The Lieutenant took a puff of his cigar and looked back down at the sign.
"Fornicate... heh heh... Deep cave duty. The sorry bastard."
Puff.
"Well, life's a bitch. Necro squad will get'em in the end I guess." The Lieutenant hung up the sign in his closet and went back to his paperwork.
Anyway, Brogg, you're bleeding and dropping and in a world of hurt from getting 'corned and hoof-stomped. Cinder, nice backstabbing. The unicorn is most definitely not an adventurer... and, just to take another small tangent here, so you guys are, Vrill is, Leuco is, piercer is not. Guards aren't. Bards are. But your brilliant backstab does the trick, and you shove the paladin's sword so far up the unicorn's ass that the intestinal ruptures kill the thing dead. There's sort of a horrible poetic logic or something there, with Brogg getting stabbed with a horn of gold, and the unicorn getting stabbed with a sword of gold. Brogg, I guess you gave your gold to Cinder, so there's a nice closed loop for you, and the gods are pleased. The unicorn, in short, dies.
Let's just say Dave heals you up to... 3 hp. Not too impressive, and that's with two Cure Lights. Anyway, Brogg, you cut off the unicorn's horn and the lot of you continue on your way. Hoping, still, that one of these passages leads somewhere interesting or useful.
Finally, after several more hours of travelling, the passages start to smooth out, becoming larger and more regular. A couple of places, you find continual light torches bracketed to the wall! Then, you come face to face with a couple of guards...
You all momentarily pause, and you're about to hail the guards in a friendly manner, when one of them says:
"Hey, what are you guys doing here... you're not allow... Wait a second! Where are you going with our zombie?!"
They draw crossbows and fire... Dave, miss, Cinder, hit! 6 hp!
The guards are a round away and reloading. Mike pulls out his crossbow, and one of the guards says: "Oh hell, why'd you give him that thing? Check it out Larry, the zombie's got a crossbow."
