8.26.2006
  Marivhon
round 6 I give to the spear, miss and a hit. 13 points of damage
 
  King Tut
BR: 14 hits AC 1 for 5 pts of dmg on the spear. "It's mano e spearo, and the mano's going to win."
 
  Automaton Combat Round 6
Schmektor, okay, some more dmg racked up on Wood-2. Good goin'.

Marivhon, round 5 you kill High Priest Bartholomew. YOU HAVE EARNED ENMITY WITH A GOD. Just kidding. The Spear sticks around though, so, maybe.

Tut, dmg done to the Spear. Alive and spearing!

Brogg, sorry, you can't get to SHIN5 just yet, so all those rolls apply to MJ. But holy christmas, by the end of round 5, Metal Johnson is no more. First he buzsaws you on your crit fumb for 10... You're at 22 hp.

...

Okay, into round 6, space has been cleared and it's a big free-for-all. SHIN5 chops away another mirror image, Renwick. Tut, spearfished for 6! You have 3 hp left!

Wood-2 sees the writing on the wall and flees! While he scurries outta there, though, his little crossbow turret turns around and shoots you Schmekt/Moth. Twang and a miss.

SHIN5 and the Spear of Ares is what you got left.
 
  King Tut
Round 5: BR 15 and 19.

13 pts total. unarmed fury! that's on the spear if its still around, otherwise mj or shin, depending on who i can reach (in that order).
 
  Brogg:
Holy Grisbane! That's a lot of activity.

Ok, my free B on SHIN5, BR:2. He get's off easy. Thanks for the strength, Renwick. I then spend rounds 2-5 as such:

R2: I go nuts on Metal Johnson, trying not to hurt the saw. BRs:20,5. That's one big hit for, Holy shit! 34 points of damage!

R3: I slam a Po. of Healing for 5 points. Chop MJ, BR:1. Oof.

R4: Slam another Po. of Healing for 9. Two chops on MJ, BRs: 6,4. Hmm... 6 hits AC:3? If so, 17 points, yeah!

R5: I spin on SHIN, Br:20! Thank Grisbane again! You know, I really think Grisane hates automatons for some reason... Anyway, that's 32 points on SHIN5!
 
  King Tut
BR 7 mis the spear. I suck at fighting. "you're ugly HP. peace."
 
  Marivhon
round 5 for me is a hit for 13 points of damage that should kill the priest if he is in eep stage.
That might get rid of his summoned spear as well....
I'm still feeling good.
 
  Schmektor:
Round 2: Miss BR 4
Round 3: Hit BR16 (+1 hits AC 1) for 5 (BR4 +1)
Round 4: Hit? BR 10 (+1 hits AC 7) for 6 (BR5 +1)
 
8.25.2006
  Into Round 5
Renwick, dmg done. SHIN5 takes out one of your Mirror Images in Round 5.
 
  Renwick:
Round three I mirror image.

The Br is just too much of a pain in the ass to describe, math and formulas ect.. but I get 3 images.

I'll light this bitch up with a magic missile.

Br. 11+3=14 pts of damage for round 4.

I have three mirror images and a shield spell up (ac4), I hope that can give me some protection.
 
  Automaton Combat Rounds 2 to 4
There are essentially four individual combats going on now. I'll post updates here through Round 4, so go ahead guys and retcon it all.

SPEAR
Tut and Marivhon, you guys are stuck fighting the HP and the Spear of Odin. Tut, especially when Dave FoO summons a bear over by you, there's no getting over to Metal Johnson just now. So I'll apply your attacks to the Spear. The High Priest is AC:10 and the Spear is AC:5.

Marivhon, you wail on Bartholomew, but even with 48 in dmg, he's still up. Still reeling of course.

The bear actually isn't so effective, doing 15 more total to the High Priest, who's looking awful by the end of round 4 now. Two more stunned rounds left on the guy, and at this rate, he probably won't make it. We're talking 'EEP' if you get my drift.

Tut, you do 12 to the Spear, but it's still around. The Spear tags you for a total of 16 more by the end of round 4, so you've taken 21, you have 9 hp left.

...

METAL
Brogg and Dave FoO vs Metal Johnson, who is AC:2! After Dave FoO's attack, MJ's AC:3, and takes 8 hp dmg.

Metal Johnson turns his affections towards DFoO for three rounds. You take 27 hp, including soak from armor. Dave FoO, you're down to 12 hp. Brogg, you're at 18 hp.

Brogg, don't forget that before the parcellation of combat, you get a free attack on SHIN5. You've also had a STR spell cast on you courtesy Renwick.

...

BRASS
Speaking of SHIN5, we've got Chef Danza and Renwick on the brass automaton. Renwick, you're at 15 hp. I'll assume that Danza actually steps up into melee and you step back. Danza does 16 hp!

Three rounds later, though, Danza's returned to the dead, and SHIN5 approaches you with the khopesh. Take your two rounds, as you've already used two for casting Shield and STR.

...

WOOD
Schmektor and Moth, go ahead and fill in up to round 4 and beyond. Schmek, 5 dmg done. Still waiting on Moth's dice-off, unless he also wants to step out of melee and let Schmek take the blows.

If it's Schmektor, there's 8 hp dmg done (putting you at 21), if Moth, 12 (putting you at 1!).

Go ahead y'all.
 
  King Tut
Rob can you have the 1st line of your combat posts give a round number? I think I have done 1 round of actions, by attacking the HP. It looks like Marivhon has about 4 rounds of actions or so. I'm not sure if he's in the correct round, or just providing future information in case he misses rounds.

I'll go through round 4, I have no idea what round this is though.

Round 2: I'll waste round 2 mocking the HP and spear. GG summoning a pos spear that does 5 pts of dmg / rd. And GG getting stunned in round 1 and waiting to die. Should've eaten that porridge.
Round 3: Attack Metal Johnson, the only dangerous thing in the room. What kind of a retarded robot puts a xbow on its head. This is the 2nd round of combat, but it's a new target, so I don't know if I get 1 or 2 attacks. I'll assume 1. BR: 7 is most likely a miss.

Round4: 12 (hits AC 3) and 15 (hits AC 0). If the 12 hits, it does 2+3 = 5 pts. The 15 does 4+3 = 7 pts. Spank fool!!!! I am being careful not to damage the buzzsaw.
 
  Dave, Fist of Odin
Jimminy Cricket. So one moment I'm contemplating the glory of Odin, basking in his wisdom and all that shit - the next, we're being written up by an assed librarian, King Tut is getting cornholed by a giant glowing dong that this angry juggalo brought in, and I've got some metal assmunch all up in my shit.

It's one of those days, I guess.

First, I bring in a bear. He'll help munch on the EHP until that's over, and then assess the sitch.

Then, the clobbering. Here are three rounds:

BR 3. I'm pretty sure that misses.

BR 15. BR 5, for 8 points damage, and -1 to Metal Johnson's AC.

Geez - Metal Johnson? Even the robots have gay pornstar names. This place is FUCKED UP, and the swath of death we leave in our wake doesn't bother me a bit.

BR 4. Some of us are swathing more than others, I guess.
 
  Schmektor:
You know... one minute I'm yelling "Dinner is served" and the next I am squared off with Wood2D2 in tight quarters. This game has a numbingly slow pace some days and an incredibly quick pace other days... hmmm

Moth, I'll take that bolt unless you can beat and 11.

I swing with a BR17. Assuming that hits, I unleash 5 points of cleaver fury on the little guy.
 
  Marivhon
He's stunned for 5 rounds.
so I'm not lettin up on the priest.
I've done 20 to him by round 2.
round 3 will hit ac 9 which should hit the stunned fucker for 14.
round 4 a miss unbelievably enough and a hit for another 14 bringing my total to 48 on the priest.
let's see how things are going by round 5 before I make any other choices.
I've got a good feeling about this combat too....
 
  Don't Underestimate Wood-2-D2
Okay, so it's really tight quarters in here guys, so you're all squared off with opponents!

Tut and Marivhon, you got the (stunned) high priest and the Spear of Ares. Tut, for talking shit, that spear is ALL OVER YOU. Speared for... 5 hp. And there's more where that came from.

Brogg and Dave FoO, buzzsaw automaton, name's Metal Johnson. Brogg, more BZZzz... you take 10 more next round! Hell yeah Metal Johnson.

Dead Chef and Renwick, brass automaton, "SHIN5" by name. Dice off for SHIN5 love. Dead Chef has a... ha, a 1! Renwick, looks like you got apple. That's a 7 hp dmg apple from a shiny khopesh sword.

Moth and Schmektor, Wood-2-D2. Crossbow reloaded, guys you also dice off, d20s each, highest wins the bolt.

I've got a great feeling about this combat.
 
  King Tut
I hope the Asst. Librarian notes that the stun rules are insanely broken. Perhaps they will be fixed 40 years hence.

I'll just mock the HP while he's stunned. Can we attack him to knock him out as opposed to kill him? We might be able to glean some valuable information. "So, you are the High Priest, and you managed to summon a magic spear? GG Loser."

"By the way guys, don't damage the buzzsaw. I needs it. My precious."
 
  The Wood Automaton's Name Is Wood-2-D2 Because He Kind Of Looks Like R2-D2
Oddly, the Flame Strike doesn't go off.

In decades to come, Asst. Librarian Charles Lleudenski will write of the battle, that the High Priest, being mad, had lost status with his god. Enough status to prevent casting of 5th circle spells, which is good for the adventurers, not so good for him. His rage, however, co-opted Ares God of Hate to take over 1st-4th level spells, so H.P. Bart is good on those. In fact, he casts an Implore to bring in a Host of Ares, which amounts to a floating magical spear, right before Marivhon stuns him.

So much for the High Priest. You're now facing three automatons and a magic spear. However, you must choose. Take a few rounds to ensure that the stunned high priest is dead? Or fight off the magic weapons, and wait for HPB to come back on-line with more spells? "An interesting conundrum," writes the Asst. Librarian forty years hence.

Anyway, Zombie Chef fucks up the automaton and triggers the automaton defense mechanisms. They all turn on you Brogg, as leader of the main combatant. Bolt miss, reload. Scimitar... critical fumble. Buzzsaw, BBZZZZZZ you take 13 hp.
 
8.24.2006
  King Tut
ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!!111
 
  Marivhon
so how was that porridge I tasted?
BR for init I got on a 7.
BR to hit open handed stuns a guy who is ac 7.
I hit ac2 with my kick to the side of his head for 4 points of damage.
Next round I attack twice with my halberd
BR hit ac -1 and uh 9 for 6 and 10 points respectively.
if I need to save vs flame strike its, fuck a 1.
ok then.
 
  Moth
That near death experience has given me a lot to think about, spiritual-wise. I ask Brogg to tell me about Grisbane. Is the church all inclusive? I mean, are you down with half-fire elementals and all that weird 3rd edition shit too? What's your take on not quite half-breeds, like tieflings and aasimars? Any particularly unusual dogma or odd rules?

As for the little "theological debate" we seem to have going with high priest juggles here, I get a 5 for initiative.

This guy is in a dungeon. Let's see if that makes him an "adventurer".

BR 3... +2 or +3, but either way I'm not so sure I'll be hitten him this turn.
 
  Renwick:
I cast shield this roud and next round I'll cast strength on Brogg for four points.
 
  King Tut
Flame strike? Ok. I walk up next to the HP and throw the porridge in his face. "I just wanted to check your W-2 you dumbass." Now when the FS hits, he'll be in the area of effect too.

Then I kick him in the nuts. BR 20. Take that. BR: 2 + 3 *2 = 10pts of nut dmg.

Oh I get a 3 for initiative. I'm already standing next to him though cause I brought him the porridge.
 
  Brogg:
Man I hate Jugs. It's go time.

Just stepping back a sec, I Animate Dead Chef Danza after Otto decides not to eat him. He is now Danza of the Dead.

DotD attacks that brass golem. BR:20. Wow, go Danza! d8? Right? That's 6 points.

I chopp the priest, BR:5. No luck.
 
  Flame On
The automatons are essentially little golems... as far as you can tell, there's no power source, so they're unlike the scorpion from below in that regard. You might mistake them for strange forms of earth-like elementals, except for the obvious signs of manufacture and gearwork, especially around the joints. They look like they're designed... well, for combat. The wood one has a crossbow mounted on the head. The brass one carries a big brass khopesh sword. The metal one has a buzzsaw for a hand. Hmm.

Back downstairs, Otto explains that he's just been hanging out here, not really doing so much. It doesn't bother him, otyughs are good like that. Actually, if you're interested, he tells you to check out the recent PhD thesis of one Cecil Caruthers, U. Greyhelm, on boredom and patience in dungeon monsters: "The View from the 10'x10' Room: A Case Study of the Dungeon of Arborex". While Caruther's suggestions for improving dungeon morale may be a bit cost-prohibitive, the individual interviews offer a interesting, sometimes very surprising look 'behind the scenes'.

Otto was just holding the key for Chef Danza while he made the porridge. So the key wouldn't fall in the porridge.

Speaking of porridge, Tut, you offer it to the High Priest. He grows enraged: "Porridge?! What do I look like, frickin' Momma Bear? Is my chair too small? Is my head on too tight? Maybe the flames of justice and pity shall warm up some culinary ideas in your beanjar!"

He begins to cast Flame Strike. That'll be initiative... d6s, modified by DX, and the High Priest has a '4'.
 
  Marivhon
huh. I taste the porridge.
I start moving silent and hiding, doh...
I start whistling.
"you guys mind if I carry the torch?"
I don't care who gets what as far as the chefs eq. I just wanted it stated that we took it.
I sit and meditate, on this splendid scene before us. Is there a wall sconce for my torch? Let's say yes....I put the torch there.
 
  King Tut
I'll grab the bowl of porridge and race it up to the High Priest. I have a feeling Schmek has battle on the brain, but I'll see if I can get the porridge up there in time to distract ol HP.

What's with the automatons? Can I figure anything out about them with my relevant NWPs? What tasks are they to intended to perform, what are they made out of, what powers them?

I yell at the dead Chef "Where the fuck are the freedom fries! Freeeeeedommmmm!" I also tell Otto that I will keep him in mind as I search the place...after all, I have Scrounge!

What's Otto been doing anyway, just standing there forever? "Do you know anything about the High Priest, or anyone else who is still up there? Why did you have a key?"
 
8.23.2006
  Ha Ha Ha Ha Ugh
"Oh yeah, that's the head chef. Chef Tomasco Danza. Not 'Tony', he really hates... er, hated, hated to be called Tony," explains Otto when you show him the body.

"He was a pretty good guy. At least, he was a good chef and always fed me the compost." Otto gets a bit thoughtful. He seems to consider it, but eventually declines to eat the body. "While we otyughs are omnivores, I personally am not much of a necrophile. If you find any rotten vegetables, though, please consider me."

Chef Danza seems to have come from a secret tunnel within the Kitchens, that just loops around near the stairs up. In the passage, you find a small food prep room, devoid of anything except a messy bowl, wooden spoon, and ornate stewpot full of porridge.

...

Schmektor leads the charge up north. Schmek, you find a wooden door, promptly kick it open, and reveal what seems to be an inventor's workshop. It's a strange scene.

At a long wooden work table, is seated High Priest Bartholomew, the High Priest of Isaac of the Jug. Clearly out of his mind and starving, he sits with a little bib tucked into his Jug robes, hands full of fork and spoon. He's a pretty old guy and looks at you with giant, deranged eyes. "Time to eat the cookin! Let's get that kettle off the stove, what?" he yells in his hoarse, but still commandingly loud voice. "Let's get that cookin' cookin!" He drools a bit and looks at you expectantly. Hungrily, in a disturbing, almost cannibalistic way.

Wandering around the room are three odd automatons. One is made of wood, thick and clunky. One is made of brass, tall and spindly. And one is made of barbed wire and rusty sheet metal, and looks like a serious industrial accident about to occur.

Tools and whatnot fill the room, along with a bad, senior-citizen-cum-woodshop kind of smell. Truly unique.

Another crash can be heard from back where you came. "Ha ha! Made man gonna can't the get-on-in! Dee-licious! Dee-lightful to de-see you! Dee-construction time! Ha ha ha ha ugh."

('Hoarse mail' changed to 'hoarse male' below. Sorry re: the confusion.)
 
  King Tut
Good ol Schmektor, always up for a straight up charge. I want to search the little secret room that Tony Danza (when did he learn to cook?) came out of. What was he cooking? It doesn't seem like there's much to work with in here (Slime Goblin primavera with a side of dung?).

What the hell is a "hoarse mail voice"? Anways, I would say that it sounds like something got loose/free in the West, and the hoarse voice to the north got scared and slammed a door. Since we're going to find and kill everything in here, I don't think it matters which way we go. I'd like to clear out the east and west so we don't get surprised when we head north. I have no idea what mouldings are, but the thud sounds promising.

So, so far we have some people who wanted to create an anti-paladin, but something went wrong, and now there's a bizarre chef, some slime monsters, and an otyugh? Speaking of, I'll drag the chef's body to Otto to see if either Otto know Danza, or wants to eat him.
 
  Schmektor:
Unless Marivhon objects (after all he was the first one to speak up for the Chef's things), I don the Chef's hat and apron, and doing my best Tony Danza impression I yell back "Dinner is served!!!" as I charge northward towards the hoarse voice.

Anyone up for a dinner party?
 
  Level Three: Thee Workshops
I guess if the demon really wanted to party, he'd head on over to the Table Talk section, where all the talky be done.

Anyway Tut, the demon puts a finger up like he's about to say something really poetic and meaningful, and you hit the DOWN button.

Down to the Kitchens, back up the stairs. Everyone's at full with new spells if they wish.

...

"Where'd that Chef get off to?" you hear bellowed from within the Workshop. The workshop is something a bit different. You feel as if you've stumbled into someone's science project. The walls are rough-hewn wood, with metal struts and supports bolted here and there, almost haphazardly. The hallways are tight, claustrophobically small, except for a main corridor up ahead.

In the main corridor, you see a metal rail on the ground. Sure enough, off to the side is a mine cart. Bits of earth are left within the abandoned cart.

If you come up from the south, the main hall and railway runs east-west. You can head in either direction. You can also head north deeper into the small corridors, from which you hear a massive belch, but more human than from the Mothers downstairs.

A helpful sign:

West: Thee Kiln
East: Mouldings
North: Private labs... no unthorized peoples!

"Bring me my dinner!" you hear bellowed again, from a hoarse male voice to the north. More ominously, you hear a crashing thud to the west. "Uh oh," says the hoarse voice, and to the north, you hear the sound of a door slam shut.
 
  King Tut
I say we just close the door, we haven't broken the pentagram. "Your accent sucks."

Let's go check out the next floor up, instead of skipping levels. I think the next floor is the workshop?
 
  The Demon Is Happy To See You
You take the dumbwaiter to the Library.

It opens into a small, odd room. The walls are made of metal- maybe chrome, steel, or silver? Your torchlight reflects in a dazzling display.

The room is a perfect hexagon in the x-y plane, about 10' all around. A small metal door is the only other exit. Tiny smbols in what looks like dried blood are written all along the outer perimeter on the floor. In the middle of the room stands a large four-armed demon.

It grins at you, and says in perfect, lilting Common: "Please enter. I've been so bored. Step foot within my guarded domain so that I might feast on your bones."
 
  Brogg:
Yeah, the Library sounds good. I am looking for poetry. d6:4, Wis Check:1. Wow. That's a great Wisdom check.
 
  Schmektor:
"I'm not usually into books and stuff... but you guys keep curing me after reading in yours, so I vote we hit the li-bary. Unless you want to get on up to that solar-rariumium place and end this thing, I'm always up for a rumble."

"Hey Mar, can I have that Butcher's knife? I think it would make a good sidekick to my Cleaver."
 
  Marivhon
oh oh Take his shit. then i load everyone up and go to the Library.

With all the DIDTT I think we need to find Ron Ball soon to straighten all this out.
 
  Not Dead Yet
Well Moth, it looks like your healer buzzed in, right in the nick of time. So you're not dead. Since you asked, here's your xp to date: 5,388 / 4,899 / 4,899 xp for fighter/mage/thief. So you see, just a little more (300 xp more or so), and you can train up in all three classes.

Crazy Chef Danza, on the other hand, is. Is dead. 5 rounds of stun, sure, that basically amounts to death.

Search him? Great, he's got a chef's hat, a butcher's knife, a cookbook, and an apron.

Okay, now you can rest and heal up. You do.

Your choices are:
Workshop through main stairs
Library through dumbwaiter
Solarium through dumbwaiter
 
  Dave, Fist of Odin
Hey guys . . . whoops, let me just wipe the spittle off - there.

A chef? Stunned and reeling? Sweet. I hate those French bastards.

Oh - did I read that some of us need healing? Let me know, and I'll spend a round or two busting out some CLWs.

Otherwise:

BR 19, BR 6 - 9 points.
BR 12, BR 3 - 6 points.
BR 6, BR 4 - 7 points, if that hits. I doubt it, but you never know.
BR 12, BR 5 - 8 points.
BR 14, BR 3 - 6 points.

36 points if they all hit, 29 if the 6 is a miss. Is this guy AC 8?

If I need to bust out a few cures, just take off the first round or two. Ummm . . . I can help with the math if it's confusing. That's kind of what I'm best at.

I mean, clobbering and beatboxing and heavy drinking and spreading the 'word' of Odin are what I'm REALLY best at, but math's good, too.

Here are some heals, if needed - 4, 8, and 7 points back.
 
8.22.2006
  Marivhon
sorry pal you're out for 5 rounds.
2nd round hit ac 8 and a miss using halberd now, 9 points
3rd hit ac 2 for 10 points
4th hit ac 3 and a nat 20 for a total of 30
5th hit ac -1 for 9 points
6th round I attack open handed again hit ac 2 for which is another stun for 6 rounds and 5 more points of damage.
let's just say this guy is done shall we.
 
  King Tut
I don't do very much damage, it's hardly even worth attacking.

Rd 1
BR: 6

Rd 2
BR: 8
BR: 16

16 should hit. BR: 2 + 3 = 5 pts. That's 2 rounds of combat from Tut, 5 pts of dmg.

If he's stunned longer than 2 rounds, I'll just go hang out with Otto. Maybe I can scrounge up a little more wine or something better for him to eat than dung or slime goblins. What's so different about slitting someone's throat v. having a party get 6 free rounds of attacks? Semantics.
 
  Stun Fun
Yeah Tut, you're attacking 3/2. (Just in case you don't remember, that means odd rounds, one attack, even rounds, two attacks.) Get to 7th level, and you're 2/1.

Tut, since you ain't a monk, you're rolling 1d4 for unarmed damage. Plus 3 for double spec.

'Stun' does NOT mean incapacitated. Monk stunning is different than paralyzation, Hold Personing, and Power Word Stun. Monk stunning means:
1) no actions can be taken
2) lose DX bonus to AC

In other words, you get free attacks on the stunned cook, but NOT automatic hits. He's not defenseless, just sort of confused, but he can still shield himself from blows. He can't retaliate on critical fumbles, but you can't just slit his throat or KO him and be done with it.
 
  Moth
Some saves I had to make:

Vs. Poison BR 15 (passed)

Then my ass got knocked out right before I had to make this one...

Vs. Breath Weapon 2 so I take 10 damage...

So I think I'm dead, unless Dave FoO's healing came in time. I'm not sure exactly what went down.

Assuming I live:

Unless Tut manages to stun the chef, I arrow him twice.

BR 2...

And BR 14 for 1 damage if it hits.

How much XP did we get for the Slime Gremlins?
 
  King Tut
Ok, so how does unarmed work? Is it 3/2? How much damage does Tut do?

If the Chef is stunned, I'll just take his knife away.

We should have made a party full of monks.

Guess who's in charge? It's certainly not Charles! I'll show you who's the boss.
 
  Cook Stun
Well Mar, he's actually about that big. Go ahead and take the stun, 1d6 rounds. Brogg, that probably means you get a bye on the crit fumb.

Set up a few advance rounds guys, as the cook's out of commission for a few.
 
  Brogg:









Hey, great job King Tut.

I suppose I turn back into a Half-orc before our confrontation with the Chef. Geez, I like being an Eagle though... I think it's my totem, or spirit animal or whatever.

Anyway, here's a broadsword for the Chef. BR:3. No, not quite.

Next round, BRs:1 and 8. That 8 hits AC:2 for 13 points. Take that, Boyardee!!!
 
  Marivhon
Is this massive human taller than 7 foot 4 or wiegh more than 550 pounds...? If so I attack with my Halberd if not I attack open handed.

I hit ac 2. Which is quite concievably a stun for an unarmored cook. either way if its open handed he gets hit for 5. If it's a halberd attack I hit him for 14 byatch.
 
  Kitchen Scrounge... So Wait, Hang On A Sec
Oh yeah, sorry Tut, you find a few things scrounging around.

You find a jar of rare spices worth 100 gp.

You also find, hidden behind a false brick in the fireplace, a metal box. Inside is a pamphlet and a bag of magic spices.

The book reads:

"The Magic Kettle of Chef Danza: A User's Guide.

Congratulations on your purchase of the Magic Kettle of Chef Danza! Thousands of people just like you are using these Magic Kettles as a safe and healthy alternative to potions, unguents, and other hazardous oddities.

To use your Magic Kettle, simply heat up some Holy Water, add the Magic Spices, and one or two other ingredients of your choice! For example, you could make a nice herbal tea with some sunflower seeds. Or a Potion of Longevity with white lotus petals and angel blood. The possibilities are limitless!"

You have three doses of magic kettle spices, by the way.

Before you get a chance to rest, go back downstairs, or move on, however, a secret door opens, and Chef Danza himself appears. The Chef is a massive human, clearly gone mad. But he's not going to join your party like Tut, rather he's hell-bent on cooking you up for dinner.

Just to get things started up again, the Chef pulls out a giant butcher knife, and seeing you scrounging around his kitchen, butchers you Tut for 14 hp.
 
  Otto's Explanation
Wow, you guys sure make friends easily. You ply the otyugh with alcohol and drugs, and Otto agrees to take both bottles of wine for the key.

"Well there you go. I guess it really doesn't matter anymore, this whole place has kind of gone to hell. Yeah, I'm Otto. Otto the Otyugh. OT-yug, the 'g' is hard, don't believe what they write about it. You can call me Otto. No, I've always been an otyugh... uh... I mean I think I have. Hard to know for sure, but I was definitely an otyugh since before all this crazy stuff started happening."

So now you know how it's pronounced, I guess.

"So I've lived here in the Castle for a while. Yeah, here in the Kitchens, you know, eating the garbage and extra food and rats and stuff. It was a pretty good life."

You take his word for it.

"Anyway, these priests and wizard guys decide that something pretty bad is going to happen unless they do something about it, so they started having meetings upstairs. I wasn't invited, so I don't know what they were talking about, but they used this dumbwaiter over here..." He points at it with a filthy tentacle. "Made it into a real nice elevator so they could get upstairs. I don't know why they didn't just take the normal stairs or whatever."

He's sure talky, for a monster who doesn't seem to know a whole lot and just sits around eating garbage and dung.

"Then bam, one day everything gets weird, and there's no one making any more food, just some slime monsters making and then re-eating gremlins. I've eaten a few myself, just to stay in shape. Hey, good luck with your quest or whatever. Be careful upstairs, there's something big up there that's been banging around at odd hours."

...

So much for the Kitchens, huh? You leave Otto to his devices and use the key to unlock the doors to the Workshop and the dumbwaiter. The dumbwaiter turns out to be rather spacious inside.. you can all fit, it even has a chrome railing. It's basically an elevator, with three stops: the Kitchens (where you are now), the Library, and the Solarium at the top.

So you've got three potential destinations. You rest and heal to full, feel free to return level 0 (mini-Greyhelm) if need be first.

One more level and it'll be serious training time for many of you.
 
  King Tut
I got a 5, so that would pass any scrounge check.

"Otto, why would you want to eat a key? They taste horrible. I have a couple of very nice bottles of wine here that you might like. I don't drink, so I'll be happy to give them to you. I have two quick questions for you: 1) If you aren't using that key, think we could borrow it for a little bit? We can bring it right back in a few hours. 2) Do you remember anything before you became an otyugh? Was there an accident here of some kind?
 
  Marivhon
"hey dude, chilll out. I have some pipe weed here it looks like you've hard a rough couple of weeks eh....?
I toke on the pipeweed I got from Gregolas...
"man this shit is good. So what are you up to here.....this place looks kind shitty and well not a real happenin spot....Otto right? You planning on staying here? I know this illusionist guy who has a tower and he takes real good care of it's inhabitants and stuff, you might like him...."
Cha Check hehhh a 1. Sweet.
"yeah sure...no the pipe has a carb dude, it's not a tobacco pipe. It's a special pipe. Yeah the guy Grego who grows this stuff lives right by the tower it's a nice place really. The only reason I'm here is to try and find this guy Vrill, he's a mage and a nasty one at that. Well he has this thing going on with the Knights of Armek and me I am trying to find him before something stupid happens. I just need to get upstairs......Then I head back to Grito after I take care of anything up there that's unreasonable. Grito is where the tower is....etc. Hey man do you know anything about this place....? Maybe how to get to the top or past all those runes at the top of the Stairs....can I get you anything else?"
 
8.21.2006
  Otto The Otyugh
Actually, an otyugh is not technically an 'animal', it's a monster. Usually dwells in sewers, eats garbage and waste, etc. Here's a pic.





Oops, sorry, that's David Hasselhoff. Here's the otyugh.



See? Not an animal.

On the other hand, this Otyugh talks just fine. It kind of glares at you and says:
"Leave me alone. Don't make me eat this key."

He seems a bit unreasonable about it, huh? On closer inspection, you can see he's wearing a service uniform with the nametag "Otto".

...

Teapot taken Marivhon. It kind of buzzes in your hand.

A quick pass reveals that the otyugh, slimebeasts, and ghouls probably ate most everything else of interest, but you do find a couple bottles of old wine stashed aside.

Tut, gimme Scrounge again, for extra valuables.

Tut, you've raised some good questions. Nothing as of yet seems to indicate what exactly happened here, and it's unlikely some slime beasts were just hanging out all the time in Greyhelm's kitchen. Something seems to have gone horribly, horribly wrong...
 
  Marivhon
cool. I take the teapot.
while we all rest and heal up I make sure to search the areas unoccupied very thoughly.....a 3,4,and 6 on d6. hrm
Is an Otyugh an animal? If so I can speak with it...
"Whacha doin buddy?"
If not I agree lets gank the bitch, get his keys, and move on up in life.
 
  King Tut
We had a torch all along. GG Schmektor.

I'll make a quick search of the slimy room. Any chance the slime beast had some undigested valuables that survived the fire, like metal or jewels?

I say we try to deal with the Otyugh. In the little book I read, the dumbwaiter may go straight to the secret workshop area. We should probably go there last, so we can see what the rest of this place is all about.

What's with all these weird creatures? Are there any sort of weird marks or scars on the walls of this place that would indicate some kind of strange accident? Were these monsters intentionally created here and then left, or did they move here, or were people transformed into them?

So the Otyugh doesn't react to our presence at all?
 
  Glowing Runes = PC Death, Usually
Renwick, I don't remember if in 1E CN bonus applies to saving throws... I don't think so. You'll take 5 more from the poison unless someone comes to your rescue with a ruling.

Okay, right, a torch is in hand. WOOOSH. The Slime Mother goes up in flames. Good thing Castle Greyhelm is made of the finest stone and marble, and not wood or wattle-daub. She's toast.

For the sake of brevity, everyone make a save vs. breath weapon. Take 10 or 5 depending. All the Slime Gremlins will die after this. Well done.

Heal as you wish. Let's also say for the sake of brevity that Dave FoO finally does something useful and heals you all to full.

Exploring the rest of this level, you find three things of interest.

Heading south, you come to a food preparation room, in which you find an Otyugh. The otyugh holds a large keyring in one of its tentacles. It regards you suspiciously. Near the otyugh is a dumbwaiter, whose door is locked with a big silver padlock.

Heading west, you come to the stairs going up to the third level, the Workshop. However, at the top of the stairs, the massive doors are also locked (with a similar silver padlock) and covered in glowing runes. Proceed with caution.

Finally, heading north, you come to a large brewery. Of course, the Slime Gremlins, otyugh, and ghoulmaster made the most of this stuff, but there is a strange, large golden tea kettle that's been left untouched. The astute loremaster would identify runes of magic on it, plus an icon associated with Isaac of the Jug inscribed at the base. The tea kettle hangs suspended on a spit above a small firepit.

...

"Well done", ha ha, get it? Do you get it?
 
  Schmektor:
Rob, from your post "Everyone SAVE" on 8/13 you mention that Marivhon was "at the edge of torch light range". If you'll allow an ASSumption on my part, I will ASSume that means we actually have a lit torch.

If you allow the assumption, I use the aforementioned torch to light the oil. If my assumption is buggered, then I will spend a round lighting the oil with my flint and tinder.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!!"
 
  Renwick:
Save Br 14. That does't make it. Is there a con bounus for poison saves in 1st? It
doesn't mention it on the chart...

I fling another magic barrage at the last Belcher 7+3=10pts.
 
8.20.2006
  King Tut
Dammit let's light the slime beast on fire. Does anyone have any fire type spells? Or maybe lightning bolt? Or any method of making fire?

Regardless, I'll roll a barrel of oil straight at the beast. I'm hoping that the physical impact will spray slime all over, as well as getting more oil on it...if only we had a light.

I'll roll to hit and dex checks.

To hit: BR 2. I didn't fumble!

Dex: BR 20. Hm.
 
  Marivhon
ok on the other slimey belcher is mine. I take a potion and I'm at 21, then I attack
fuck....hit ac 8 and 11, for uh...
ok next round. hit ac 3 for 11 points.
and on the round after that I miss and hit for 7 points.
let's speed this up kids or it could take forever.....
 
  Sav-More
Okay, wow, you guys take down one of the two Spawners. One left, still makin' gremlins.

Speaking of gremlins, Renwick, hit for 3, make a save. Marivhon two hits for 8. Moth hit for 4 make another save. Brogg two hits for 4, make two saves.

Gettin' there.
 
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