Jim says: "Yeah yeah spacebar spacebar. Do you know how many damn speeches we've heard? 'This is your last chance for surrender!' 'Don't interfere or you'll pay the price!' 'One more step and I cut off his nads!' Et cet-ra, et blah blah blah."
Dan says: "You know what I'd rather hear? Hey Nameless, hook up that jambox and play us some Wild Pitch. I fuckin' love that song! Yeah!"
Rick looks at you guys. "Heh heh, don't worry kids. We clean up the language for the 'official version' of events."
The Nameless Warrior goes and gets a small jambox. He puts in a mixtape and presses play. As the battle begins, you hear some scratching and synth-brass over a stripped down, tight downtempo beat...
Yo look, you're in my way, I'm tellin you to back up
You think this is a game, so I'll commence to rack up
Points like the pro that I know that I am
Break on the mic, then go for the slam
You can't slow me down, talk about stop me
The best that you can do is try to copy
The rhythm of the stylish rapper on the Wild Pitch label
I'm able to bust a fat cable
Kids can't cope, you call it a rope
Lookin straight in my face yet the image is kaleidoscope
Due to the drugs you're takin your brain is fakin
Stop and take note of the mistakes you're makin
Rakin the floor for a pebble
Callin me brother but you're not on my level
I'm too much in effect, too much self-respect
I'm too live to ever drive my life to a wreck
I break necks, cash checks, have sex and plex
Do a battle in a flash then ask who's next
I'm a survivor kickin liver than a Memorex
Stompin out competition like Tyranosaurus Rex
I'm master-educatin, you masturbatin
Traps for weak raps, you need to be slapped
You suck, don’t leave the ghetto in your baseball cap
From now on wear a beanie, stop chasin the genie
I’d rather chase a cutie in a teenie bikini
Sip martinis on the rocks to keep it cold
Then chase it down with a quart of Olde Gold
The Chill will fill you with the weapon of wisdom
I master creation, never plagiarism
Offer me a blast, you must be jokin
Let my posse find out, your butt will really be smokin
This cat is courageous, outrageous, contagious
Most DJ's say they can't wait to play this
On a plate or platter made from wax
You wanna hear me chit-chatter, then pay the tax
Even on cassette I make suckers sweat
And the wack are afraid of me cause I'm a threat
Yes, you're all wet, caught up in my net
But I'll let you go, there's no need to fret
It's time to rewind, so go head, flick the switch
It's fat, catch it - Wild Pitch
Doesn't stop the Daughters from starting to cast. The battle is joined!
Sip. That's actually some damn good lemonade. You look at the bottle. It's Snapple. Why is it so good? You look at the label. "Made with fresh lemons and mermaid tears."
Mermaid tears? No wonder it's so good! Good thing you grabbed a few bottles of this stuff.
...
Down below, you see something crazy happen. One of the Chums, Rick or Jim or whatever, manages to make his way over to the Princess! He grabs her- she resists- and he pulls her off the horse, onto the ground. She struggles against his strength, and so he slaps her in the face, cutting her lip. A few drops of blood fall on the ground.
The world seems to freeze and the sky darkens. The Princess goes sheet-white and starts convulsing. Jim makes a 'WTF?' face. Skeletal hands reach up from the ground and grab Jim's legs, pulling him into the earth.
The combat momentarily stops while everyone takes this in. Rick yells 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' and then he yells 'Charon!' and burns a charge on his Ring of 00s.
Rick blogrolls a 00.
Charon shows up and sighs. "It's not your time... again." Jim comes back from the dead! The Ferryman sort of shakes his head sadly and disappears back to the banks of the River Styx.
The Daughters all look at each other. "That... is total BULLSHIT." One of them quickly texts something to her blog about how unfair it is.
Combat is rejoined!
...
Theo, the retarded man helps the Princess back onto her feet. He looks tense but is eating an apple. It smells good. It sounds crisp. It's a Red Delicious.
